Page 16 of The Cheerleader

“Hi Mom. How are you? Is everything... Does Dad⁠—”

“Not yet, sweetheart. But everything is fine. He’ll find something soon. What about you? Are you getting along with the other girls, Susie? Do they know you were never a cheerleader before?”

“Everything’s fine, Mom. The girls are great.” Guilt heats my face and I cringe. It feels wrong not to tell her about Liz, but there’s no way I want her worrying about me any more than she does. Even if it’s irrational because I’m an adult now, Mom will worry about Liz’s tough family life somehow affecting me, or worry that it affected Liz in a bad way.

“You’re not doing anything dangerous, are you?”

“Of course not.”

She pauses, and my guilty discomfort flares into fear. She has something to say that I’m not going to like.

“I’m proud of you being a cheerleader, Susie.” Her voice is quiet, not sounding particularly proud. More concerned. “In fact—” Her voice brightens, but it sounds false and brittle, and tension stiffens my stomach muscles. “I was telling my friend, Connie from the Ladies’ Auxiliary, you remember her, nice woman.” She pauses, but I don’t speak.

“She told me she heard that Liz McNeil was a cheerleader at UConn and was wondering if that was true.”

I want to throw up. I was foolish to think I could get away with keeping it from her. She was bound to find out. But I’m more worried about her finding out that Liz is my roommate. I need my parents’ support to stay in college. At least for now. I’m not independent yet. I don’t want a repeat of them taking me out of school to avoid Liz now.

“Susie? Is it true?” Her voice shakes, and I try to take a deep breath, but I can’t because my chest is so tight.

I try to keep my voice even. “Yes. It’s true.” I don’t bother trying to explain because she knows why I didn’t tell her. She doesn’t like it. She’s going to be sick with needless worry now.

“Susie—you can’t⁠—”

“Don’t worry, Mom. It’s not the same. I’m a grown adult. And so is Liz. And we’re nowhere near⁠—”

“Don’t talk about it. Don’t… well, you know you need to stay away from her family.” She pauses, and I feel too torn to speak. “Is she… all right?”

“She’s fine.” I’m glad to have something good and true to say. “She’s great. She’s the captain of the squad.”

“Captain?” Mom’s quiet chuckle holds no humor. “Of course.” She takes a deep breath. “You watch out for her. Don’t let her⁠—”

“Don’t worry about me, Mom. I’m my own person. And Liz is not a bad person. She can’t help where she came from…” My voice trails off, and there’s silence on the line. Expensive seconds of uncomfortable long-distance silence tick by before Mom clears her throat.

“Yes, well… Do you need anything?”

Sneakers and skater’s panties pop into my head, but I have no trouble keeping that to myself because I stubbornly need to stick to my budget and stay as independent as possible. I also keep my mouth shut about Liz being my roommate. For now. I don’t want to have to worry about my parents giving me an ultimatum—find a new roommate or no more college tuition. It seems extreme, but I can’t underestimate Dad’s worry over money influencing the decision.

“I’m all set, Mom.”

Dad gets on the phone and asks when classes start.

“Not yet.” Twisting the phone cord, I turn away from the mirror.

“What kind of classes are you taking? Any mechanical engineering?”

“Not this semester,” I toss the words out while my stomach is still churning, thinking about Liz and feeling disloyal to her. And disloyal to Mom. Talking about Engineering when I have no intentions of continuing in that major feels like I’m worse than Benedict Arnold, betraying both my parents with lies.

“You could go for both mechanical and electrical engineering. Why not?” He laughs like he’s excited that I might follow in his footsteps, while I know there’s not a chance that I will.

Regretting that I can’t do it, that I can’t be an engineer to please him without betraying myself, I practically strangle my hand with the phone cord because there’s no way I can tell him right now.

I have to change to Education as soon as possible, figure out the student loans, and then I’ll tell him. My tummy floats around, unsure about my idea, but it’s something I need to do. To make my own decisions, be an independent adult. That’s what I’m here for.

“I’ll talk to you more about it when classes start, Dad.” There’s silence for a beat, like I’ve hosed down the fire of his enthusiasm. I bite my lip, dreading our next conversation. “Dad, I promise I’ll study hard and get a good job when I graduate.”

“I know you will, Susie Q. You’re a good girl and an excellent student. You deserve to get everything you want.”

His words relieve some of my tension, and my tummy settles. We say our goodbyes. Mom comes back on the phone.