Page 104 of The Puck Bunny

Maybe not ever.

“Around the time he got sick, it seemed everything was falling apart. In the playoffs that year, I’d lost a step. I wasn’t as fast as the young star on our opponent's team and we got knocked out first round of the playoffs.”

“I remember that game,” she says.

Of course she does.

“The kid deked you out and scored.” She takes a deep breath. “I can see why that would feel like a failure to you, but it wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t have been the one back on defense. If it wasn’t for you, it would have been a breakaway. And then you dove to try and stop him. You did everything. The defenseman who was supposed to be there wasn’t and the goalie who should have stopped him didn’t. It was a team loss, not your fault.”

I listen. She’s not wrong. I’ve heard it all before. “The thing is, a few years ago, I could have made the play. My team always counted on me to be able to do it.”

“And that’s on them. It goes two ways. They let you down when you needed to count on them.” She takes my hands. “Look, it’s a team sport. Everyone has to man up. There’s a reason you never made it to The Stanley Cup finals. It wasn’t you. It was your team.”

I shake my head because I’ve heard all this before, but I can’t accept it because it feels too much like blaming others and not taking responsibility for myself.

“Leaving the Shooting Stars wasn’t an easy thing to do,” I say. “I felt like I was letting them down, letting the fans down. Management was going to bring in some new players and really try for a Cup run. If my dad hadn’t been sick, I don’t know if I would have left.”

“I thought you left because of the Princess Anica scandal.”

“I did in the end. But I’d already thought about it. I’d already felt the pull to be home again, to be there for my mother, especially. When Anica pulled her stunt, that was the straw that did me in. Jett was the only one I told about it and he helped me keep the lid on the scandal. He I don’t know what kind of threat he made, but it worked.

“The problem was that there’d be a good chance something like that would happen again if I kept going the way I did. Jett told me he thought I was damn lucky Anica was the first one to misbehave, as he called it, given the string of starlets and models and other bootstrappers—his term, not mine—that I’d tangled the sheets with.”

Her face flickers at that, like a fire almost getting blown out and my chest tightens so hard I’m worried about breathing.

I force a deep breath in and out. “Sorry. It’s the way it was.” I give her a sad wry smile. “No sense sugarcoating it since you already knew.”

“Everyone knew.” She smiles and touches my face like she adores me anyway.

I take her hand and pull it away because I don’t deserve it. “Don’t be so quick to forgive me for being an immature asshole.”

She laughs. “You were a guy taking life by the horns, having fun, working hard, and enjoying the fruits of your labor.”

I snort. “Nice spin. I was a shallow shit who all but ignored his family for ten years.”

“Stop beating up on yourself. You were an independent adult who had some living to do. Your family was always going to be there.”

“Now, it’s my turn to be there for my family,” I say and shove my door open. Even if it is too late for Dad, it’s time to deal with my issues and ask for forgiveness.

“I’m coming with you,” she says and scrambles out of the passenger side, catching up to me.

I walk fast as if I can somehow make up for lost time.

She takes my arm and the instant warmth gives me strength to face my demons as we wind through the rows of graves.

We reach a tall, newly- chiseled headstone and I stop.

Standing on top of the dirt that covers my father, I squat down to read the gravestone.

Joseph James

March 5, 1952 – May 15, 2023

Loving father and husband

Fucking simple words. His name. His birthdate. The date of his death.

My hands fist and anger seethes through me, helping to ward off the excruciating sadness.