Page 36 of Your Kiss Is On My List

“I’d better get to work on that proposal for class,” I say. My smile is real, but even though I accomplished my mission of having Trey back as a friend and as my profile subject, I’m left with a hollow feeling, like what I have is a donut inside me with the best part missing and I have no idea how or if I can ever fill that hole.

How will I ever find someone to love if I already love him?

You won’t. Because you don’t want to be dependent on a man, remember?

Good old Mom’s advice and training saves me so that by the time I get to the back door, I’m ready. I turn back to him.

“Lou’s coming to visit this weekend.” He smiles.

“I know. I lined up tickets for you both. Have fun.” He says it like we’re not going to see each other before then and I nod.

“Sure. I’ll let you know about the personal profile. We can schedule some time for filming.” I notice the ever-so-slight flinch and my heart races. Feeling unsure is not the norm for me—except with Trey on occasion and this is definitely one of those occasions.

“Sure,” he says. Then he quirks one side of his mouth up. “Doll.”

And with that one word, he calms me and I leave, free from worry, knowing I have him behind me, to pursue my goals.

* * *

“I promise you his story is so much bigger than that.”

“If you say so,” Dooley says, more than skeptical after I turn in my proposal. “I’ll make a leap of faith and approve you profile if you say there’s something important behind the guy we all know.” He has no idea about Trey’s past and thinks of him only as a successful hockey player and a good guy.

“You won’t be disappointed.” I wink and go on my way with a million things to do before Lou gets here tomorrow night.

* * *

We text and it almost feels like friends as usual between me and Trey except there’s no more expectation that I’ll come over because I’m not his girl anymore. In fact, he even said we need to not see each other so people believe we’re really broken up. I bravely go along because he’s right, but it hurts my heart every time I walk out my door and turn right instead of left, or when I return home and wish I could go over and share my day with him.

But I console myself with the prospect of seeing him tonight as soon as Lou gets here because she’s his sister and naturally we’ll go over and see him after dinner. The hockey team is staying in tonight since they have a game tomorrow. Not that Trey would be going out anyway because he hardly ever does, according to Dooley and everyone else he’s palled around with at SPU. I’ve been doing my research—interviewing people who know him, sometimes on camera, to get shots for my project.

Lying on my bed, tapping away on my computer, I’m working on the narrative for my profile project when I hear Lou shout as she runs up the stairs. Instant excitement assaults me and I shut down my computer, spring from bed and fling open the door to greet her.

“Hey girl, what’s new? Haven’t heard much from you this week?” Lou says as we hug it out. I step back and let her throw her coat and bag into the closet before I answer her. There’s so much to catch her up on, so I start with the most traumatic, taking her arms and sitting her down on my bed next to me.

“Trey and I broke up, but we’re friends again.”

“Good. Don’t say it like it was a real breakup.”

“I know, but still.” She has a point, and I can’t explain to her how real it all felt, right down to the heartbreak when I stormed out of his room that night. I can’t tell her the circumstances around it for sure.

“What aren’t you telling me? Why did you break it off?”

“The usual, a silly misunderstanding. But like you said, it was never real to begin with.”

“Now you’ll have to discourage guys the good old-fashioned way,” she says. “By telling them you’re not interested.” I shrug because I’m up to it, no matter how unpleasant it is to go through time after time.

“I’ll never be as good at it as you.” I elbow her and she laughs.

“Seriously, I’m glad things are back to normal between you two,” she says. “It was getting kind of scary there—especially when you two kissed. Shit, it looked so real.” She stares at me, like she’s expecting a denial, for me to reassure her that it wasn’t real, but the words get stuck in my throat. Why can’t I tell her the truth? Next to Trey, she’s my best friend, right? She’s also his sister and there’s no doubt whose side she’d take if it came down to choosing.

But in this case, there’s no need to take sides because it’s over. All the pent-up emotions in me clamor to the surface and I let them out in a bubble of truth.

“The kiss looked real because it was real. Because that’s how I feel about Trey. I don’t want to make you upset, but I can’t lie—”

Louise Eagleton, my best girlfriend, laughs at me.

“Did you think I didn’t know that? How long have we known each other?”