Page 31 of Your Kiss Is On My List

“What’s that?” Bigby says as he walks by. Nate tells him, along with all the guys in earshot that I broke up with Dani. Someone comments it was short-lived and asks if that means she’s available.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The words come out like a growl and I think maybe I need a fight more than a shower, to let out some of my frustration. But when I storm in the fucking big-mouth freshman’s direction, Nate holds me back.

“Take your shower and then we have a date. We’re going to talk about you and Dani whether you like it or not.” I glower back at him but don’t say a word, simmering down the rush of anger because it’s a dick move to turn on a teammate when I’m the fucking captain, leader of the team. Even if said teammate is a dick and deserves it. I finally respond to him.

“No need.” Fucking lie after lie comes from my mouth, too easy.

“Yes. There is. Because there’s more to this story between you and Dani than you’re letting on.” His voice is low and intense, but he lowers it more and pushes me in the direction of the shower while the rest of the team murmurs, watching and wary.

“I heard Dani take off last night and knew something wasn’t right. I have my truck. We’ll take a drive, take the long way back to BMOC House and you’ll tell me all about it. No more fucking bullshit.” I stare back at him, breathing heavy with the emotion coursing through me, needing somewhere to go. Then I reach inside the shower and turn it on full hot power. Thank fuck we have separate stalls. When he doesn’t let go of my arm, I finally give him the slightest nod. I’m not sure what I’ll tell him, but for now, I shut down my brain and give into the physical beating of the hot spray, drowning out the chaos of my emotions and thoughts.

It’s dark by the time we’re finished showering, dressing, and getting into his truck. My stomach growls at me for missing lunch. I can’t afford to miss meals with the strenuous physical demands of playing in the teeth of the hockey season.

“Let’s go straight home. I need to eat.” He turns to me with an evil grin and presses the automatic lock on his door like he’s a fucking mad kidnapper. In spite of everything, I laugh as he pulls the car into the street and takes a left when he should take a right. Fuck.

“Tell me about you and Dani. And start from the beginning this time—no fucking—”

“I told you.”

“No, you didn’t. She told some bullshit story about a midnight stroll that suddenly changed you from neighbors to lovers and I know for a goddamn fact that there’s a fuckload more to the story than that.”

“Why should there be?” I’m not sure why I’m holding onto my story like if I tell it, my guts will come out with it, my heart will rip from my chest and my soul will be exposed to the light of day and judged. Judged for what? What the fuck is it I’m hiding?

“Fact one,” he says. “She’s a living doll and hot as fuck and you should have been together long before this, but for some strange reason I never even heard of her for the past three years until now. Even though you were supposed to be buddies all along. That smells like a big-ass hole in your story right there.”

I shrug. Discomfort doesn’t begin to describe the sharp stab of pain in my gut, running up from my belly to my chest, and I briefly wonder if I’m too young to have a heart attack. But I know fear and anxiety when I feel it. I remember it. Because it was a daily occurrence ten years ago. After that fucking incident. Incident? Fuck. Why can’t I even bring myself to call it what it was? A bloody fucking accident. A bloody fucking death.

That I caused.

No. Fuck no. I bang my fist on the dashboard as rage and fear and desperation to keep the old demons out churn through me.

“What the fuck is wrong?” Nate’s voice cuts through my turmoil because it’s changed. The smug demanding tone is gone and he sounds truly alarmed, concern and surprise making him pull over to the side of the road.

“Fuck.” It’s the only word that bursts from my mouth as I squeeze my eyes shut and take deep breaths.

“What is it, Trey? What happened between you two?” His question is calm and intense at the same time and I look at him. The true concern, the brotherhood in his eyes, compels me to answer. The cage around my truth falls open, releasing my words, and they fall out all by themselves.

“We were never together. We were supposed to be just friends. And then I kissed her when she wasn’t ready for it because you’re right—she’s way too hot and beautiful in every sense of the word for me to not want her for more than a friend. I did. But she didn’t and so as soon as I left after high school, because I’m a shitty weak friend, I ghosted her.

“But that didn’t stop her from forgiving me, from being there ready and able to resume our friendship—which was fucking strong and deep, more than neighbors. She was like my kid sister for years. Until she wasn’t.” I stop because I keep thinking of the last kiss we had and how right it felt even though it ended up being so wrong.

“So what happened? How did you go from ghost to the kind of convincing-as-hell, hot as fire lovers that I saw?”

“It was stupid. A joke at first. A temporary fix. Summer was on the prowl and Dani figured—correctly—that if she pretended to be my new girlfriend that would cool Summer’s determination to make more of what we had than there is. Was.”

Nate stares, incredulous. “That’s it? You go from cold turkey to hot as fuck from one minute to the next to keep Summer off your back?” I nod.

“For the record, I never stopped thinking of Dani as hot as fuck, not even for a minute of the past three years. And fucking believe me when I say I tried.” I refrain from admitting that I dreamed about her, got off far too often thinking about her, about what might have been if I hadn’t been such a dickhead klutz, so impatient and immature.

“You’re out of your mind,” Nate declares with such confidence that I’d believe him right now if he told me he had a PhD in psychology. “So what’s the problem? Why break up a good thing? Isn’t she onboard? I’ve seen the way she looks at you like you’re butter and she wants to lick you—”

“Not even close.” My heart speeds up, but the words escape my open vault and run away, uncovering everything. “She’s a virgin and I almost took advantage of her. Though she was the one who initiated it., I should have known better. And that ended in disaster. That’s why she ran from my room in the middle of the night. Because I’m an out-of-control dickhead. Literally. Thinking with my dick.” I shake my head, waiting for the exposure to burn me, but all I feel is calm. Because Nate is my friend, closer to me than everyone—except my family and Dani. Shit. That’s telling.

“A virgin.” He shakes his head. “Fuck.” He gets it. No further explanation necessary.

“I know it goes without saying that that is privileged information. She’d probably never speak to me again if she knew—”

“You know I would never share something like that. I respect both of you too much.”