Page 6 of He Has Santa

Nodding, I say, “Look, I don’t blame you for being angry. What I did was horrible. I should never have kept Nicky from you. I should have told you right away.”

“And you didn’t because the defiant girl I know full of sass suddenly lost her backbone?” His words aren’t conciliatory, but the edge of anger is blunted and tolerable, like maybe touching me affects him too. I know the physical attraction is still there between us; our chemistry hasn’t faded a bit. But I’m not—or no longer foolish enough to think that means things between us are, or ever can be, the same on every other level. He’s lost trust in me because I ran off and got married to a stranger, the first man I had a chance to just so I could escape from him.

Did I lose any of my feelings for him? No. Hell no. I have to be unlucky enough to feel still the exact same adoration bordering on sickness for him that I always have because he’s still that same loyal, decent, loving boy I knew, only now a man. Even better. I take in a shaky breath.

“You overestimated my backbone. Honestly? I was afraid of losing you when you went away to college without me. Seeing you with Sharon just sealed my suspicion. I’m not sure if I really believed her or that it mattered that you were completely innocent.” Pausing, my heart stutters and not in a good way as his face clouds up. He’s a passionate guy, and I can see it all on his face. He’s never held back with me, and he’s still showing me everything. So, I can see his anger and disappointment simmering, only I’m not sure if it’s aimed at me or, maybe himself.

“It’s not your fault.” I need to pre-empt any guilt he might feel because I’m not the same girl I was. “It’s all on me. I was too young. Clearly.” Then I add to reassure him because I know he’ll be concerned, “But I grew up fast once I had Nicky. I’ve been a good mother to her. I love her more than anything or anyone in the world.” Including you. But I don’t need to say the words as his eyes search mine, knowing.

He nods. “I have no doubt.” A beat of dead silence passes. Then he blows out a long breath, and his face clears. The tension in him releases. It’s like all the anger and resentment and whatever other negative emotions escaped him with that air. Like he purposely expelled it all. My heart stutters again, and this time there’s an accompanying bubble of hope fluttering my gut.

He says, “I’d like the chance to do the same.” The serious look on his face melts me, and this is what I wanted; this is my goal scored, the exact result of my dreams. My chest goes crazy now like I have Fever 333’s Aric Improta drumming inside me—double-time.

CHAPTER 5

LOGAN

“When can I meet my daughter?” Excitement wars with resentment as I stare at June’s wary face, trying to keep my cool and not let emotions overrun good sense.

“I don’t know. I need to prepare her. She’s vulnerable, and I don’t want to set her up for disappointment— “

“What the hell are you implying, June? I’m her father, aren’t I? I’m not going to bail on her. I don’t want to meet her so I can say hello and disappear. If she’s my daughter, I’m her father, and I’ll make sure she knows it. Every single day for the rest of her life.” I don’t say what I’m thinking, but despite my effort to stay cool—as if I ever could—I know I’m telegraphing my hurt and the regret of all we’ve lost. That I would have shown June how much I loved her every single day for the rest of her life too, if she’d let me.

“You don’t have any idea what it takes to be a father, what kind of commitment it takes. I think we all need to have the same understanding of what your role is.”

“My role is her father. I’ll be there for her; she’ll be able to count on me— “

“It’s not about money— “

Rage splits open my gut. “Are you serious? Do you think I’m talking about money? Really, June?” My voice shakes, my entire body quakes with anger, loss, and need. I needed to see Nicky, that little girl who wrote that sad letter. The need to comfort her and hold her and make her feel like the most special kid in the world overwhelms me. I can’t believe June doesn’t see it, that she doesn’t have any faith in me. That she thinks so little of me.

I spin around and head for the door because I can’t say another word now. I don’t want to pile up any more regrets. As I reach for the door handle, June catches me and holds my arm, puts herself in front of me, blocking me like a wingman coming into the corner to stop me from shooting the puck out of the zone.

Staring her down, I dare her to say what she has to say, to explain away somehow the insulting words.

“I’m sorry—I just didn’t want you to think I want your money. Because I don’t.”

“Not for one second did it cross my mind that you were looking for my money, June.” My words were quiet, and I paused to let them sink in. “See, I remember who you are. I know you’re not that kind of girl—woman. Even if you seem to have forgotten all about who I am— “

“No, I haven’t.” She rushes her words, squeezing my arm as if she’s afraid I’m going to bolt, but she’s right to be worried because I’m feeling nauseous right now, disoriented, like I’ve been confronted with an Alice in Wonderland version of the girl I knew, the dreams I held. I’m sick to know they were all a figment of my imagination, sick that I’d held onto that hope, that the dreams were so easily resurrected with a letter and the sight of her six years later.

“I know you’re a decent man, the most decent human being I’ve ever met, in fact, giving and loyal and honest. I’m well aware that I threw that all away six years ago because I was a coward then, but I’m not going to be a coward now. There’s so much more at stake. I’m a mother, and there’s nothing more important to me than Nicky. She deserves to have you as a father. But only if you can really be a father to her—not because you’re not willing, Logan.” Her voice pleads with me.

“I know it’s a lot to ask, a lot to take in all of a sudden after six years. Especially because I’ve been dishonest with you, I cheated you out of those six years, and it’s an unforgivable thing, and I’m asking you to overlook a lot— “

“Stop. I don’t care about that.” I swipe my hand through my hair, wondering if that’s true. Probably. I’m that much of a sap. June has that much of a hold on me. Then shaking my head, I try and ignore her, try not to be affected by her presence, by that thing between us, the scent of her, the feel of her body up against mine, heating me up.

“I care about Nicky’s welfare first too. I’m not a selfish idiot.” Maybe I once was, expecting June to go along with my future regardless of what it meant for her life, regardless of any hardships or misgivings. I’d expected her to put her life aside and be there at my side to support my ambitions no matter what, not even thinking that she’d be a hanger-on, playing second fiddle. Talk about a selfish bastard. That there is the definition of selfish. It’s not like I was going to cure cancer. I play hockey for cripe's sake. There’s nothing so all-important about it, nothing that justified my taking her support for granted the way I did.

“Not anymore. Although I admit I was selfish back then, I should have handled things differently, June. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

Shaking her head, she says, “I should have handled things differently. I was an idiot running off the way I did with the first man who came along and showed an interest in me.”

“Why did you?” The question slips out before I can think better of it because damn it, I need to know.

She shrugs. “Million-dollar question. Now it’s hard for me to get back inside that scared girl’s head to figure her out. I think I was running away from failure. Because next to you, that’s what I felt like more and more. Like a hanger-on. A nobody hanging onto your coattails, and I was terrified you’d discover it and let me loose down the road some time, and I’d be left with nothing in the middle of nowhere and have to come home with my tail between my legs.”

“You know that would never have happened. I loved you.” I love you still. But I can’t admit that to her because I don’t want to still be in love with her. I can’t be. How can I love a girl who deserted me and raised my baby with another man? What kind of sap am I?