Page 16 of He Has Santa

“You must be Logan’s wife and daughter.” He says before Logan can introduce us. Then he pats Nicky on the head and says, “I can see you have your dad’s eyes—they look better on you.” He winks at her. Her eyes flutter with drowsiness, and my heart hammers with fear, but I need to say something. My eyes lock on Logan’s, and he’s startled but not put out. In fact, I think he’s proud and glad that Brady recognizes the resemblance.

“Yes—there’s definitely a family resemblance,” I rush the words, hoping Nicky keeps quiet. I can see the confusion in her eyes. My poor girl. This is just the beginning of your confusion, I’m afraid. Logan angles her away from Brady, hugging her protectively as if he can magically make everything all right, make the pretense of a happy family real.

Brady looks at me and nods.

“This is June,” Logan says quietly. “Brady Mack.”

I shake his hand, saying, “I know who you are.”

“A hockey fan then? How do you like the Boston area? Must be crazy settling into a new town mid-season. Mid school year. I’ll have my wife call you and introduce you to people.”

“Thank you.” What else could I say? I was new to town, sort of. I’d been away for a long time and didn’t know many people anymore. If his wife were anything like Brady, I’d love to meet her. My smile is genuine, and some of my tension eases as Nicky yawns again, her eyes mostly closed. The night out caught up with her and overrode her precocious tendencies and curiosity.

“Time to get Nicky to bed,” Logan says. Brady nods.

“I’ll see you all again at the Brawlers Holiday family night,” Brady says and then takes off in the direction of the friends and family room.

“Jesus. Sorry about that,” Logan says when Brady is gone.

We both let out deep breaths. Then cradling Nicky, whose eyes are closed now, in one arm, he reaches out and takes my hand. Surprise shoots through me, feeling a lot like excitement, and as I walk with him hand-in-hand to the garage, the smile I show him is so much smaller than the smile inside me.

CHAPTER 9

LOGAN

Nicky sleeps as I put her in the booster seat in the back, and we take off for June’s house. The inside of my SUV envelops us in quiet intimacy. As we hit I95 North, I touch the control screen to pump low soothing music into the back seat so I can talk to Junie. Nerves run through me, so I take a deep breath, then dive in.

“When are we going to tell her? It’s obvious that she’s my daughter when we’re together. It’s only a matter of time before the same kind of thing happens again where someone recognizes the resemblance. I don’t want to lie to people, especially not to Nicky.”

“I know. You’re right.” June falls silent then, not expanding but considering the prospect. Her silence gives space and time to my runaway emotions. Chaos reigns where Junie is concerned, but when it comes to Nicky, my emotions are clear and big and bright with swells of love and pride and protectiveness and a boundless need to give her everything in me.

All the feelings that I’d bottled up are out now, and they’re never going back. Whatever turtle life I’d been living is gone forever. There’s only one way to live life, and I don’t know how I let that truth escape me all this time.

Scratch that—I do know how. I was too weak and needed to escape from unbearable pain. But I’m stronger now. I’ll be as strong as I need to be going forward because I have Nicky to be strong for, love and nurture, to guide through life. And it all starts with a good example. Something I know all about.

“What are you doing next weekend?” The words float from me naturally, without stress or strings or the baggage of anger or wariness. A simple question because I want to know. Because I want to invite her and Nicky to the team’s holiday festival.

No, more than that. Because I crave Junie, it’s a simple fact. I’m attracted to her like she’s the sun, and I’m forever caught in her orbit. No amount of worry about whether she’ll destroy me will prevent destruction from happening. Only strength is needed, the strength to stand up to whatever we need to go through.

“I… don’t have plans—aside from Nicky’s hockey game. You’re invited,” she smiles. I’m sure she’s relieved I don’t press her about a plan to talk to Nicky about who I really am. But her smile is tentative and shy like she’s expecting me to reject her and Nicky, and that pains me because, of course, I’m going to Nicky’s game. I’m going to every one of my daughter’s games if I need to move heaven and earth to do it. What about your f-ing hockey career?

Disappointment seizes me for a second, but I’m determined to make this work.

“It’s a deal. What time is her game?” At first, I’m hoping it’s early morning so we can go to the team’s holiday festival afterwards. If I miss the festival, I know that will piss off the coach big time. It would probably piss off some of my teammates too. But I quickly reconcile my priorities and realize that I’m going to Nicky’s game on Saturday no matter what time it is. I have a lot of lost time to make up for, and I’m not putting that off.

“It’s at eleven at the rink in Salem. Will that work for you? Do you have something else going on?”

“Eleven sounds great. I’ll be there. Now I have a proposal for you.” Heaving a breath, I turn off the highway. We’re getting close to her home, a big house in a seaside neighborhood, still as familiar as an old pair of skates.

“Name it,” she says. “You know I owe you. I have a lot to make up for to both you and Nicky.” The sincerity glistens in her eyes alongside the guilt and pain. It reaches into me and twists my soul so I can almost feel it myself. All the years fall away, and I feel exactly the same way about Junie as I always did as if nothing ever happened to break us apart as if none of that matters. Because apparently, it doesn’t. Her betrayal? What betrayal? The only thing I feel is a deep-seated connection with her and having Nicky makes it cut that much deeper.

“You’re going to have to forgive yourself, Junie,” I say in a quiet voice, “if we’re all going to get past this, you know.” I mean every word. All the rancor left me somewhere between hello and seeing that bottomless remorse twist her up. How can I be angry now? Who would that punish besides me? Junie’s doing too good a job punishing herself for me to bother piling on.

Besides, the only things that matter from our shared past are good things. If fate wants to hand me this chance to get back what we lost and more with Nicky too, then why the hell would I mess that chance up?

Her eyes go wide at my words, and her lips part, but she says nothing for a beat. My heart speeds up, but I force myself to wait and to pray that she doesn’t get stubborn about this.

“You say that now, but… it’s a lot to get past, keeping Nicky from you all those years. I mean, it’s a lot to ask you to forgive. It doesn’t happen just like that.” She snaps her fingers, keeping her brilliant life-giving eyes on mine.