Page 48 of Playing for Love

Starting Monday morning,I put football through its paces, testing its ability to save me from misery. I had a full week of practice from hell. By Wednesday I yelled at a water boy and then felt terrible and apologized. Hunter saw it and chalked up my bad mood to my mother being in the hospital. I knew it wasn’t about that. I’d been to the hospital every day and felt relief when I was there. Being in my mother’s company, seeing her improving and getting back to herself lightened me.

Whatever pent-up tension I felt the need to let out at football wasn’t about my mother. It was worse than that. Hunter and I trotted off the field into the tunnel, dripping in sweat from the midday sun. It was an unusually hot September day. But then New England weather was always unusual.

“How’s your mother?” he asked.

I smiled. We shoved inside the locker room door.

“She’s doing better. Out of ICU and should be coming home in a day or two.”

“When are you going to talk to Mia?”

This was new.

“Never. She’s poison.”

“Hardly. She’s a delight.”

“A delight? Who are you?”

He shrugged. “A friend. Remember that.” He walked away, grabbing a towel, heading for the showers.

Talking with Mia would do no good. I’d already tried the friend thing and failed miserably. At dinner last week, and afterward at the hospital, everyone knew how I felt, that I had an interest in her. It was in me, deeply imbedded, and seeing her wouldn’t help. Not unless I fucked her. Maybe then . . .

I pulled off my shirt and pads. The idea was absurd that I could purge her from my brain by fucking her. Because it wouldn’t be fucking, not with her. It would be lovemaking and it would be the last thing I needed. My ultimate undoing. The exact thing I was trying to avoid. The way I would lose my focus on football completely.

I slammed my locker shut. The solid bang of the wooden door got a few stares and raised eyebrows. I stared back with a fuck-you look and headed to the showers. No one talked to me, no one even looked at me, which was a complete 180 from the norm. Damn. I had to get her out of my head.

I would have to talk to her.