Page 4 of A Complicated Bride

Julie laughed. “Say no more. I understand that crying babies might be too much for your bachelor sensibilities.”

“I would love to meet your twins, Julie. I adored the pictures you sent,” Lily said.

He loved her voice, low and smooth and sophisticated, not crusted over by smoky abuse, not high pitched and shallow. It had depth.

“Come on over for supper.” Julie said to her cousin. I wasn’t sure if she’d left me out purposely or not, but it didn’t matter. I would be there. I would make friends with her cousin and spend time in a soul-filled house of real human beings.

Lily eyed me with speculation, the kind that made me uncomfortable in the gut, like she was trying to figure me out and might be succeeding.

Like she knew I was an empty smile, a hot shit in a suit full of nothing.

I raised my chin and gave her the professional mask of boredom. The twinge of guilt told me I might still have a conscience and I immediately regretted the attitude. It was out of place and disrespectful. A knee jerk reaction of old habit. What the hell was I here for? Didn’t I want to get real? Didn’t I want to get rid of the poison of indifference? I’d have to watch out for bad habits.

“I’ll be there.” I spoke quickly and tried a real smile this time. There was no question that I could get away with inviting myself to my old friend Jack’s for supper. We’d had drinks late the night before after I’d arrived. We stayed up in the Inn’s kitchen draining the place of all their good whiskey until the light streamed through the back door curtains. Maybe that’s why I sensed Julie’s hesitation to invite me. Not that she wouldn’t. Eventually.

If Jack had minded that I’d decided not to stay at “the baby house”, he hadn’t let on. I wondered now if that had been a mistake. But decided that staying under the same roof, albeit a very large one, with twin babies might be too much reality at once for my toxic soul. Or maybe I was afraid of contaminating the babies.

“Oookaay.” Julie raised an inspecting brow. “Of course you are.”

I wasn’t sure if she’d ever forgiven me for dating her friend Tammy and leaving town. As if I were expected to marry her. Squash that shameful thought. I might have considered the long term commitment and that’s why I ran. My career was taking off and I had other things to do. Tammy didn’t fit into those plans.

Besides I knew for a fact that Tammy was doing fine and well married to her man. They suited perfectly. That brought another twinge of a different kind, pinging around his cavernous chest. Not jealousy, not exactly. Well now, who cared. I needed to focus on Lily, and deep sixing my pretentious grin, I looked at her, really looked at her lovely pale skin and her lively eyes made for the real world, not a shade of pretense anywhere on her

Lily smiled back at me. Two dimples and a row of perfect white teeth, untouched by soiled hands or tongue or mouth. It would almost be sacrilege for him to go there. This was supposed to be platonic, wasn’t it?

She was genuine, not in a mother earthly way, in a delighted to be alive because life is good and people are wonderful and my family loves me way, unsullied by the meanness of cutthroat competition, nasty secrets and past sins.

“Are you here for vacation, Lily or are you on a family visit?” I thought it was a perfectly reasonable question and after a beat, realized I wanted to know the answer.

It didn’t seem that Lily shared the ambition. She turned innocent rose petal pink and her dimples disappeared although she valiantly tried to hold onto her smile.

Julie looked at her with the same question, but quick to realize there was a problem, she jumped in to rescue her cousin from my unintended beastliness.

“Is something wrong, honey?” Julie put an arm around her.

“It’s… nothing.” The poor girl literally gulped, taking in a breath of courage.

It was a strange thing, but I found myself leaning in and my hands itching to touch her, to console her about whatever it was. I knew it wasn’t me, though I felt somehow responsible. And strangely caring.

If we were at a cocktail party, I would have made a graceful but quick escape, disentangling myself from any unpleasantness or caring. Like the cocktail party two nights ago in New York city at the pent house apartment at ADDRESS where eighty or so guests dressed as their favorite animal and pretended they were there to raise funds to prevent animal cruelty. In truth, I could count on one hand the number of partiers who gave a shit about abandoned cats and dogs. They were there to sell something, mostly themselves, to other people who had no interest in buying because they only cared about selling themselves, putting themselves on a pedestal for the highest bidder, none of whom were there.

My date, Sarnee, actually stood on a lamp table, as good a make-shift pedestal as any. When she started disrobing, I turned away to leave. She spotted my intent to exit and screeched something at me. The damn girl ended up throwing a spike heel, hitting me in the back of the head, drawing blood.

I believe that was when I decided to buy my airline ticket out of town. The only question had been where to go. It didn’t end up being too much of a challenge to figure out I had few choices. One choice. One real choice. Home wasn’t anywhere. There was no one there. My mum was gone. My Uncle and his family had their lives and I hadn’t been much of a part of it. I was a stranger and I didn’t have it in me now to re-introduce myself to the vague figures from my childhood. Maybe they wouldn’t care. I was too chicken shit to test the family ties.

My sister’s home was off the list of places I was welcome. Seven years and counting.

I had only one person who I knew would be happy to see me, and not because he wanted something from me.

Maybe I was being unfair to some of my business partners. Some of them were okay, but our friendships were too wrapped up in our daily bread for me to untangle right now. I felt too hollow, too empty to make an effort. Too void of care and love. The only glimmer I saw when I looked through the binouclars to my past was my last visit here, to Hamlin New Hampshire.

Of all places. Of all God damned places.

So I came. I was that desperate. And desperately trying to prove to myself and anyone who was looking that I was far from desperate. I only needed a break, a rest from the racing, social climbing, money grubbing rats.

“It’s something,” Julie said. “Is it about your upcoming wedding?”

“Wedding?” I said it out loud. Well hell. I laughed at myself. In appropriate thing to do. Both Lily and Julie looked at me as if I were a mad man. They had no idea how right they may be.