Page 91 of Every Last Breath

Fate had dealt them a shitty hand, but her worst of all.

“My father took me to the spa in Canada. When I got back, Castle gave me sneakers and a fully loaded MP3 player. Took me on a run every morning, even on weekends. Never talked to me about any of it. About anything. We just ran together until the day I started running alone.”

No wonder Castle hated him. The man’s vehemence was justified. Cole had abandoned her to deal with hell, alone.

He put his forehead to hers. “I should’ve been there for you, at your side, every step of the way.” What he wouldn’t give to have made different choices.

She pulled out of his arms and eyeballed him. “What happened to you? Where did you go?”

“Ended up in Alaska. Needed to recover. Physically. Mentally.” His soul hadn’t started healing until he saw Maddox again. “The wilderness was good. Took random jobs, some I’m not too proud of.”

Hard work at the lumber mill had satiated the animal inside during the day. Drinking whiskey and cage fighting had lulled the beast into submission at night, till even that wasn’t enough.

“If you had a boyfriend,” he said in a low voice, “or husband who put his hands on you one too many times and you wanted him in the emergency room instead of getting stitched up again yourself, I was your guy for hire.”

Looking at him with hooded eyes, she seemed to measure each word on a scale of belief.

“Everything I tried to make myself feel better made me feel worse. So I told myself no more bloodshed. No drinking.” If he continued, she might want to cut off his dick, but he needed it out on the table. “No boning chicks whose faces blurred together and names I didn’t care to ask.” Women interested in fucking the mysterious guy with the ghastly scar who’d helped them out of a jam. He never spent the night, never bought them dinner. Heck, they bought him drinks.

He’d been something awful back then.

Her gaze fell, face twisting into something painful that hurt his heart.

“Did you ever fall in love?” she asked, not looking at him.

“You’re the only one who has ever gotten in. You were my first thought every morning. The only thing on my mind as I tried to sleep. Not being with you tore me apart.”

“Not enough for you to come back for me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He drew closer. “I’m here, Maddox.”

“For how long before you bail? What if there’s another shitstorm? Are you going to cut and run? Leave me behind again?”

“We’re in a shitstorm right now, and I’m here. Fighting for you. Fighting beside you.”

He was risking his life for her. If that wasn’t proof he loved her, what was?

A crestfallen shadow fell across her face. “Nine years ago, I would’ve followed you through that violent hell. And to the wilderness. But you were able to leave me. You were able to stay away, when nothing would’ve kept me from you. And if it wasn’t for my job as a scum-sucking spook, I still wouldn’t know you were alive.”

The words hit him like shrapnel. His mouth went bone-dry, and any response withered on his tongue.

“What I know for certain,” she said low, “is you want closure. To be free of me.”

Shit. “I didn’t mean it.”

Her watery eyes narrowed. “When you looked me in the face and said it, you meant it. I felt it. In my gut. In my heart. Because you wanted to hurt me, and you did.”

Double shit. He had meant it, had let stupid spite color his words. “I was an angry idiot for saying it. I don’t mean it now. I don’t want to hurt you.” He’d rather tear out his own heart.

“You used to be reliable, steadfast. True as a compass. Now you’re this messy seesaw. And I don’t know which way the wind is going to blow with you.”

There was nothing he could say; no words would convince her. He had to show her, after this thing with Novak was done.

He put his hand on her shoulder. She cringed, and it was a kick to the chest.

“It’s late.” The words were like broken glass in his throat. “I’ll go, let you rest.” He dropped his hand. Sleep deprivation dulled the mind, slowed reflexes. Going up against Novak, they needed their faculties sharp. Space for her to breathe and process everything wouldn’t hurt either.

“No need for you to go to a hotel. You can sleep on the pullout sofa.”