Page 124 of Hard to Get

“Oh no.”

One leaf is yellowing. That’s not a good sign. I gently pinch the long, slender leaf between my fingertips. It’s soft. I look at the pot. Oh shit. I’ve overwatered it. And it’s gotten so big! Noooo. I get rid of the excess water and inspect the roots. They’re supposed to be green, but some are brown and a little mushy.

I have to save this plant.

I have special scissors up here for my orchids so I spread out a towel and trim the roots. I’ll leave the yellow leaf until it falls off. Hopefully, that will be the only one.

I’ve had other failures since I started growing orchids. But not lately. And this blue plant is so unique and it’s grown so well. It’s one of my favourites.

I sit on the floor to repot it. I feel like crying. Which is crazy. It’s just a plant.

But I know it’s not the orchid. Not just the orchid. It’s all the things I talked to my friends about. It’s my mother. It’s my disagreement with Troy. And Jayden. I’ve never felt lonely before and I don’t understand why I feel lonely now. I feel hollow with loneliness. I miss him.

Betty senses my unhappiness and sits in front of me. I reach out for her and rub her shoulders. “You’re so cute. I don’t know how you can be so cute.” I bend and kiss her between her bulging eyes, right on her wrinkled fur. I lift her onto my lap and cradle her.

Am I really happy being single? Or am I just settling?

People settle in relationships all the time. Look at my mom. I don’t believe the men she’s married since Dad are great loves of her life. She settles because she’s afraid of being alone. Maybe because she thinks she doesn’t deserve more than that.

So is it possible I’m settling for… myself? Because… I need to be honest with myself here. I truly don’t think I’m afraid of being alone. But like my friends talked about, there are risks to falling love. To having a relationship. Am I avoiding those risks by swearing I don’t need a man? By convincing myself that love doesn’t last and marriage is a trap?

I stroke Betty’s soft fur.

I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship. But… I’d rather be with Jayden.

I close my eyes as red-hot pain burns through me.

There are risks to falling in love.

I didn’t want to take the risks. But what if… it’s too late? What if I already love him? And that’s why this hurts so much.

I don’t need a man… but what if I want a man? What if I want Jayden?

Oh God. What have I done?

I think I do love him. So much. But I’ve lost him because I didn’t believe in love. No. I lost him because I’m afraid of love… afraid of becoming my mother.

I press my cheek to the top of Betty’s head. “What do I do, pupper? What do I do about this?”

32

JAYDEN

“We all played like shit last night.”

The whole team is in the dressing room. But only the team. No coaches. No trainers. No media.

LG looks around at everyone. “We need to figure out how the fuck to fix this, guys. We’re all sick of it.”

The air in the room is heavy. Nobody is looking at each other.

“We need to learn how to communicate better,” LG says. “We need to talk to each other. We need to be honest with each other. And we all need to not get pissed off when someone is honest with us.” His gaze lands on Bish.

Bish scowls.

“So let’s talk about last night,” I say, jutting my chin. “Who wants to start?”

A lot of glances are exchanged; others avoid eye contact.