Page 252 of Breathe Like Hell

Not even Mason.

That thought made me want to cry all over again, with anger this time. Sometimes I felt like he wasn’t even trying. At least I was trying.

And as much as I hated chemical engineering, it was the biggest piece of Micah I had left. He was in every number, every calculation, every report written and exam taken. I imagined him encouraging me from the blank spaces on the paper, soothing my anxieties and reassuring me like he used to. But Mason didn’t give a fuck about it, about this entire part of my life that I’d shared with Micah. He hated it. He viewed chemical engineering as the thing that’d taken Micah from him, when that wasn’t the truth.

Chemical engineering was how Micah coped with losing the love of his life. Even if he’d never explicitly said those words to me, I could fit all the puzzle pieces together. I thought of the first day he’d taken me to that cliff, when I’d asked him why he chose chemical engineering. His answer had been a distraction.

Now I knew what he’d needed distracting from.

The loss of Mason.

The president of Blackpine launched into a bullshit speech about our brilliance and our futures, talking about how we would look back on this time in the future. There were too many people at the school for them to call everyone’s name individually, or for all of us to even walk across the main stage. Several tables were set up on the turf, arranged by major and last name.

They’d given us a slip for the pictures, a scrap of paper with an identification number on it, something they could scan to return the pictures to the right person, but I dropped mine on the ground as I walked down the stairs. I didn’t want any pictures. When they asked for my slip, I ignored them and walked straight past to stand in my line.

I sort of felt like I was going to pass out as I kept taking steps forward.

This is really happening right now and he’s really not here.

A wave of panic swelled in my throat. I wanted to turn around and run in the other direction. I wanted to pause time so this wouldn’t happen. I didn’t feel ready.

But the minutes kept moving.

My diploma was handed to me, navy blue with silver foil.

Dakota Masters, Bachelor’s of Science.

Fucking stupid. Fucking pointless.

I didn’t want to be here receiving this without him. Despite meeting him in my last year of college, he’d shaped my entire experience. He was the only one of my professors to see me, to push me, to believe in me. I’d never felt believed in before him. And the fact that he never got to see me receive my diploma was the cruelest joke the universe could’ve played on me.

The wound of Micah’s death didn’t hurt me any less now than it did on the day I returned to Earth. I was made of nothing except my grief, held together by misery and the battle to remember all of him. It’d only been a few months, and he was already fading from my mind, the shape of his voice becoming a blur in my brain.

It scared me, badly.

I stomped out of the stadium, ignoring all the happy families surrounding me, my hands shaking. So many grandparents and pictures being taken and flower bouquets getting smushed in hugs and siblings wearing Blackpine t-shirts.

It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to scream at all of them.

I stormed away from the crowds, trying to get off campus as quickly as possible, but there were people everywhere. Clogging up crosswalks, staring stupidly at all the class buildings, taking it all in. I was so bitter I could taste it on my tongue.

How could they be so happy when my entire life had fallen apart?

How could the world keep moving without him?

I will never be happy again.

I speed walked to the bus stop with my hat and diploma tucked under my arm, tightly gripping my phone and bundled earbuds in my other hand.

The bus was thirty five minutes late by the time it finally pulled up, but I’d never put in my earbuds or anything. I’d just been sitting here, angry. My diploma was on the bench next to me and I considered leaving it there for a brief second, before snatching it and climbing onto the bus.

A few people looked up at me as I took my seat, but not one of them said anything to me. I’m wearing a fucking robe, holding my hat and diploma, and not one of you people can say congratulations to me?

I sat next to the window and stared out through the glass, watching campus transform into a smear of shadow and light.

Sudden panic made my eyes wide, and I stared up at the driver.

There would be no reason for me to ever be on campus again after this.