Page 246 of Breathe Like Hell

I looked out the window as Mason accelerated onto the road, trying to hold in my sobs. This was Mason’s sorrow, and I didn’t want to make it about myself. My hands shook so I pressed them together between my knees.

Without looking over, I felt for his emotions, terrified that he would become unstable once alone.

“Don’t fucking do that, Dakota,” he snapped, making me flinch. “Get out of my head. Angels don’t do this shit the way you’re doing it. I’m serious. You’re being incredibly invasive.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice too small. “I just wanted to make sure you were safe.”

He didn’t say anything to that.

I knew I was being invasive. I just had to ensure he wouldn’t die once I stepped foot inside my trailer. But all I’d felt within him was sadness, like lead. Heavy, slow-moving, suffocating emotion. A blue so dark it’d become black, like the bottom of the ocean.

Neither of us spoke when he pulled up to my front step. Mason stared blankly out the windshield. I pushed out the passenger door and walked around the hood of the car, then up the few steps.

Mason pulled away before I even got my door unlocked.

━━━━━

My bedroom was dark, my eyes puffy from crying. Every single hour of the day was hard, but these were always the worst ones. When I laid awake in the middle of the night, alone in my bed.

A weak sob escaped me.

I miss you so much I can’t even think about it.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how to survive this.

I rolled over to face the other way, Micah’s t-shirt twisting around my body.

Somehow, I’d been forcing myself to go to all my classes, forcing myself to turn in my assignments and complete my exams. Micah would’ve wanted me to. That was probably the only reason I did anything, ever. Because it was what he would’ve wanted me to do. With each passing day, it all felt more pointless, because what the fuck was I working towards? A stupid degree?

If I’d had anything more than one semester left, I would’ve dropped out. This wasn’t worth adding to my misery.

But I could do a few months for him.

When I studied, I felt closer to him than any other time. Usually, I pretended he was in the other room refilling my water bottle, and that’s why I had to be alone. It was only temporary and he would be back.

I didn’t have many classes this semester because I’d spent the past four years expecting to fail something, so I always structured my schedule with some time at the end of my degree to retake any classes if I needed to. By some miracle, I’d never actually failed anything.

But most of the time I couldn’t pretend. Not really.

I’d gone to his office in Stanton and stole his three degrees off the wall, afraid that someday they would clear out his space and they’d be lost forever. I kept all three of them under my bed. Undergraduate, masters, doctorate. All chemical engineering. All his.

Dr Micah Killshaw

I need you.

I need you. I need you. I need you.

I need somebody to know how to take care of me, and to love me enough to try.

I crawled out of bed, everything smeared through my endless tears, stumbling towards my front door. It was freezing cold outside, but I didn’t put on any other layers. I walked off my porch barefoot, the wind blowing around me, snaking between my clothes and my skin.

There was already a slit in the back of my t-shirt, which I’d carefully cut myself, so it was easy for me to conjure my wings and pull myself into the sky. Brutal channels of air ruffled my night-dark feathers, tossing me unevenly as I flew towards Micah’s house, my nose running.

Anthony’s wedding was only a few weeks away now, but I had no plans of going. Both of my parents were going, and they would hate me for not showing up, but how could I? I never wanted to in the first place.

Especially not now.