Page 113 of Breathe Like Hell

“No,” I answered quickly. “It was a really long time ago. Before you were even alive, baby.” I cupped her cheek, bringing her back to me. The strands of hair around her face were damp with mist blowing off the ocean. “It’s not like that. But I had to tell you why I can’t let you go. I thought it would help, if you knew.”

“I don’t know.” Her gaze dipped to my mouth, then slid back up. A red flush stained her cheeks from the cold. “It’s better than more lying.”

“Good. I want it to be better. This is—this is probably what you’d most want to know about me.”

“A pretty big secret. The biggest?”

“I don’t know.”

Even now, the most honest I’d ever been, I was still lying to her. Concealing two very large truths that controlled the majority of my life—things that directly affected her. The fact of Micah being my ex—even though that word felt like a very pale imitation of what he actually was to me—and the fact of me relying on her to calm myself if I could feel a fracture tugging at me. Both of those things were a lot to take in.

My fear consumed me.

If Dakota left me, the only thing I had to rely on was the thought of her to calm myself. I would no longer have access to her precious face and soft voice and body perfectly molded to fit mine. I would only have memories, and I wasn’t sure that would be enough now.

How I’d survived after Micah was a mystery I couldn’t solve myself, even if I’d tried.

Most of those early years didn’t even exist in my memory, and I could assume I’d spent most of them on the brink of death.

Well…

My chest tightened up. Dakota was born a little less than a year after Micah ended things with me, and there was always something stabilizing about her soul that I could feel in my head. I still didn’t have the words to explain why she was different, but I knew it was the truth.

But I’d never take the risk of asking any other Thrausians if they could feel it the way I could because they’d use her, steal her, use her, break her down just to keep themselves alive.

Am I doing the same thing?

“Well, I’m sorry,” Dakota said quietly. “I don’t want to leave you, you know. But sometimes you make it hard.”

I swallowed against the lump forming in my throat.

If only she knew how similar she sounded to Micah right now.

“I’m not sure I can fix that,” I admitted. “But I don’t want you to think I’m not trying.”

It’s just how I’m fucking wired.

I hate it even more than you do.

“I don’t know. It’d be helpful if you talked to me more.” She turned her head, green eyes finding mine. “I want to help you.”

“I appreciate that, baby.” You can’t help me. You can’t fix me.

“And I think I understand, in a way,” she said. “My brother used to leave me all the time. Everything started the summer before he went to college, but once the semester began, he held his distance over my head. When I got mad at him, he’d leave me. It’s not the same, but I wanted you to know that, too. I guess that’s why I like the fact that you don’t let me leave, even when I’m acting insane. It’s like the opposite of what he did.”

“You know, you can always talk about him to me,” I offered, my stomach turning. That piece of shit deserved to die a slow and painful death.

“I know. But I don’t want to. I’d prefer never to talk about or think of him ever again.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I have to see him soon. I know I didn’t tell you that—I didn’t tell Micah, either. I’m trying not to think about it.” Dakota was focusing intently on gluing a piece of lace to the front of her journal now. Irritation stabbed through me at what she’d said.

“Why the fuck do you have to see him?” She shouldn’t have to do that. Ever again. I didn’t give a shit that they were blood related family. Family didn’t mean anything.

“Well, there’s this holiday coming up…” She trailed off, waiting for me to fill in the blank.

“Your family celebrates Thanksgiving?” I questioned, somewhat incredulously, even though I hadn’t meant for it to come out that way. It was just shocking to me. I knew Dakota never spoke to or saw her parents, and especially not her brother. I didn’t think he lived in Washington at all anymore.