Page 164 of The Gods Order

“That’s right.”

She nods as if that’s good enough for her. Not a second later, a shout erupts from the yard, and one of the children calls her name. She whips her head over her shoulder, then glances back at me.

“Can I go play now?”

The heaviness of the conversation slips from her shoulders so quickly it almost gives me whiplash.

“Of course. You never need my permission to play.”

She smiles brightly as she shoves from her chair and races down the porch steps. Her laughter blends with the others almost instantly. My face falls as I place my elbows on the table and lace my fingers in front of my mouth.

No one says anything, but Amick and Kyzen draw slow circles around my back. I have to blink away the water gathering in my eyes when Lambrit reaches over and wraps his fingers around my forearm.

I let out a slow breath through my nose and keep my gaze fixed on the yard instead of letting it drift anywhere else. I can’t bring myself to look at anyone. Especially not my men. Their eyes may hold questions and the answers I have may not be what they want to hear.

Do you want a baby?

I press my fingers together a little tighter. The answer is still the same as it was when she asked. The same as when I’ve asked myself over the years.

Clean. Certain. No hesitation.

But now it feels…bigger.

Kyzen’s hand keeps moving in slow, grounding circles along my back. Amick doesn’t say anything, but his fingers move from my spine to my thigh. His comforting squeeze is steady and quiet in a way that tells me he’s not going anywhere.

Lambrit’s grip around my forearm tightens once, then he releases me.

I sit with myself for a moment longer. Then I finally drop my hands from my face and exhale as I push out of my chair.

“Let’s help clean up. We got a big day tomorrow.”

Tomorrow…

“Don’t fuss over cleaning, Thayla girl,” Annalise says as she stands from the rocking chair. She makes her way to Creed’s side and gathers baby Ezra in her arms. “You all get home and rest up. Enjoy a little peace and quiet.”

Her tender, completely understanding smile has my heart clenching painfully in my chest.

I return the gesture anyway, then tell her, Ellian, Rose, and Lambrit bye. He swears to see me first thing in the morning as he tugs me into a hug. Part of me wants to tell him not to. Let’s not make this some grand goodbye and put bad energy in the air. I can’t bring myself to say anything like that, though.

My steps feel heavy as I cross the porch to the steps, and Laney’s head whips toward me when I holler her name. Her red cheeks and sweaty forehead break through the weight still lingering in my chest.

“Are you leaving already?” she asks as I kneel and hold her shoulders.

“We are. We’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

“Adults always have busy days.”

A small chuckle slips through my lips, and I nod.

“We do. That’s why you need to focus on being a child for as long as possible. You grow up, then bam. Responsibilities all day, every day.”

She scrunches her nose at me.

“When do you get to play?”

“Every now and then.”

“Well, while you’re working, I’ll think up some new games so when you get done, we can play.”