Page 152 of The Gods Order

“Your brothers will never reach toward the realm for their power because they’ll never need to. Their Domains will settle and be everything they need them to be inside of them.”

My head jerks. That’s not at all what I expected him to say.

“Okay, and?”

He stares at me again.

“Knowledge has a destination. One day, Amick will become responsible for guiding information. Death is the same. Creed may avoid it for now, but eventually, he will become the pillar Hell rests upon. His Domain doesn’t merely grant him power over death. It pulls him toward a purpose. Duality is no different. Riven believes his path remains uncertain, but his power has already begun nudging him toward where he belongs.”

The certainty in his voice makes me shift my feet and we hold each other’s gazes.

“Their Domains connect them to the realm through responsibility,” he adds.

I roll my shoulders.

“And mine doesn’t?”

“It does. It simply connects differently.”

I huff and stab my training sword into the dirt.

“Can you not with the riddles? Just say what you mean.”

His jaw clenches and he kicks at the ground as he gets his thoughts or decides where the fuck he was going with this conversation.

“Time exists whether realms rise or fall. Whether wars begin or end. Whether gods live or die. It serves no position, yet it serves everything. Your entire life, you’ve felt out of place in every role you’ve been placed in and that’s because time wasn’t supposed to interfere with lives the way you were made to. That’s why you don’t like confrontation.”

I blink as his words hit me with uncomfortable force. He’s obviously not done, though.

“Before you start assuming the Valories or the Messenger have given me knowledge into your life, I want you to know that’s not completely the case. I’m just a being whose entire existence revolves around carrying responsibilities other people don’t fully comprehend, and I wish there had been someone around millennia ago to help me understand that.”

My throat clogs and I tighten my hold around the handle of my sword. I understand now why he keeps staring at me the way he has been.

He’s seeing something in me that he sees in himself.

“Don’t view your power or people’s natural draw to tell you things as a curse. It isn’t. It’s trust. Original power only comes about when the realm decides it’s needed. The realm. Not the Valories. Not the Beginning Gods. The realm entrusted Time to a being capable of carrying it without being consumed by it.”

Consumed by it…

My mind can’t help but wander to all the times the darker side of me has emerged and it felt consuming. All the times it would’ve been so easy to just end who I wanted to end. Stop what I wanted to stop.

I didn’t, though. I’ve never given in fully.

I latched onto my brothers. Since her arrival and after some trial and error, I’ve searched my soul for Thayla. They’ve always pulled me back.

Or…

Did they pull me back or did my power lead me back to them?

I think maybe both.

Regardless, Val’s words settle something inside of me that’s been bothering me for some time now. Since Harriseen’s death and Ellian’s reconstruction of so many of our roles, I’ve felt…out of place.

I’ve always hated mediating, but I did it. I’d grown to the point where I was comfortable with it, and it was my contribution to the Godsdawn. Being back in the Court and helping the male Attendants hasn’t been the worst responsibility in the realm, but still, it doesn’t feel right.

I’ve been beating myself up about feeling this way. Especially with my brothers seemingly stepping into their positions without much trouble or fuss. I mean, fuck, even Creed’s been more receptive to the idea of getting Hell straight.

Nowhere has really seemed like a place for me.