Page 45 of Freed

“I guess it’s a good thing we’re going swimming together then,” he says, making me frown. Does he not want to do anything physical with me anymore? Does he not get what I’m suggesting?

Maybe severing the mate bond has a bigger effect than I thought. I open my mouth to ask, but nothing comes out. What if we have sex and the bond doesn’t come back? At least right now, there’s still hope. If I lose that, I’m not sure what I’ll do.

I release his neck and step back as he seemingly grabs a swimsuit at random and holds it up. “How about this one?”

“Sure,” I say, not even really looking at it as I take it from him and head into the bathroom, feeling too flustered to change in front of him.

As I close the door, he tells me through the bond, “I’m going to go change. Don’t leave your room without me.”

I grin, feeling a little more at ease. At least I know he still cares.

Of course he does, he’s your mate.

He’ll always care about me. But what about our romantic relationship? He has kissed me since the bond was severed, so I’m pretty sure he still has feelings for me. But this entire thing is just so complicated.

As I finish putting the bikini on, I frown, thinking I’ve done it wrong somehow. How is this even considered swimwear? It’s more like lingerie with tiny triangle pieces that just barely cover my areolas, and the bottom is the tiniest string bikini I’ve ever seen. Thank goodness Gage had shaved me down there, or else there would be no way to wear this.

I look up into the mirror over the sink and grin. If this doesn’t get Maddox wanting to touch me, then nothing will.

I swallow the nerves rising in my throat and open the door, stepping into my bedroom and finding Maddox already there, wearing his swim trunks and revealing his bare chest.

My eyes stay glued to it for a full minute before I remember I wanted to gauge his reaction to me. My eyes move to his, and I see a mix of emotions there. Heat, for sure, but also I think I see fear and alarm.

“Maddox?” I ask gently as I step closer to him. “Are you okay?”

“Where did you get that?” he grits out.

I tilt my head at him, trying not to laugh. “You just gave it to me, remember?” I ask, gesturing to where he’d pulled it from my drawer.

He swallows heavily. “I guess I didn’t realize what it would look like on you.”

“Is it bad?” I ask, genuinely starting to worry as I glance down at myself.

“You look spectacular in it.” He sighs. “That’s the problem.”

“Why?” I prod, stepping closer. His hands instinctively seem to reach for me as he places them on my hips and pulls me against him, his eyes roaming all over me.

“We should⁠—”

He starts to speak, but I cut him off. “Maddox. Why?” He sighs, his eyes bouncing between mine as if looking for the words to speak there. “Maddox, are you in pain?” I can’t help but ask.

His brow pinches, as if those words themselves hurt him. “Sweetheart. Losing the bond with you was the worst thing I’ve ever felt in my life. Seeing you eases that pain, and touching you lessens it even further. But I fear that I no longer deserve to be close to you. It’s a pain I deserve for letting that happen to you.”

My eyes shine with tears, and I try to blink them away as I look up at him. That’s what’s been bothering him? That he feels responsible for my kidnapping?

“Maddox, it wasn’t your fault.”

“It was,” he grits out. “It’s my job to keep this entire pack safe. You even called us in tears wanting us to come home and we didn’t.”

“You didn’t know,” I tell him, pressing my palms into his chest as I shake my head. “Maddox, it’s nobody's fault but Blaze’s. You shouldn’t punish yourself.”

The sound of the twins laughing in the hall has me glancing toward the sound. When I look back, Maddox’s expression is no longer that pained longing one; it’s more… resignation. Like he feels like shit and is okay with that.

“Come on, let’s give you that swimming lesson,” he says, grabbing my hand and tugging me into the hall before I can argue.

As we walk down the hall and into the yard, I stew over his words. Do Bain and Gage feel the same? Is that why they have been a little distant?

I want to shake him, tell him he’s being stupid, and force him to try and reseal the mate bond with me. But doubt has me holding back. If I try to force intimacy and find out the bond isn’t there, it might push us further apart.