Page 38 of The Gentleman Physician

Her smile resurfaced, and while it lifted his spirits to see it, he felt his heart thud painfully in his chest. Once, that look had made him believe he had found his happiness. Her beauty had only grown in the years since that time. If only he hadn’t ruined his chances with her by stating with such precise terms how he no longer cared for her.

“Thank you, Doctor Hastings. I do consent.”

“I must take my leave of you.” He half-bowed, the ache in his chest compelling him to be brief. “I have others in my care I must see to, but Mr. Olivier remains here, in the study.”

“I will seek him out at once.” She kept her eyes on him, studying him with a curious expression upon her lovely face. “Good day, Doctor.”

“Good day, Miss Devon.” He turned away from her and left, not caring that she would see him nearly fleeing the room, such was his haste. But he couldn’t stay a moment longer without risking a greater exposure of his feelings for her. Though they were conflicted, Nathaniel knew his heart cared for her as much as it ever had, and his head told him those feelings were neither prudent nor wise.

He put all thoughts from him and focused instead on his next task, the next patient, the next illness. A physician could always find people seeking health and healing, and they must be his priority over his own muddled affairs.

Chapter Fourteen

After her interview with Mr. Olivier, Julia felt more out of sorts than ever. With her fierce desire to protect her cousin, she had been the one to suggest ridding the house of Mr. Gerard Macon. The full force of that decision weighed upon her. A court of law, trained to observe facts, would only know a man was thrown from the house of his dying brother, and Virginia would look like a hysterical female.

Julia left the house the next morning, her pace carrying her rapidly down the streets of Bath. She walked towards the Circus, barely taking in more of the sights than necessary to ascertain her direction.

The Royal Crescent, while lovely enough architecture, was not what drew her so much as the long, sloping lawn before it. The great expanse, Barton Fields, brought her a measure of peace. She missed her country home at times. Stepping onto that length of grass helped her find her equilibrium, even if it had been dusted in snow the night before.

Walking out in this manner, without a maid, might have raised a few eyebrows in London, but in Bath she felt at ease enough in herself and her destination to not fear censure. Who in this place would even care who she was or what business she might be about? She was dressed finely enough to even be a guest in one of the beautiful townhouses.

If she became a governess, as she hoped, such would not always be the case. But as a governess, she would certainly have greater freedom when it came to moving about on her own. She could certainly get used to that aspect, even if it meant saying goodbye to her well-appointed wardrobe.

She stepped onto the snow-covered grass and went straight for the middle of the expanse, smiling at the curious stares of children playing in the fresh powder with their nurse. She nearly waved but thought it best to continue in her solitary way. Once at the heart of the public lawn, Julia stared up into the cloudless heavens.

She’d left her cousin’s house quietly, after ensuring Virginia ate more than a few bites of toast. Hearing of Virginia’s fainting incident startled her, and she’d vowed to watch her cousin at every meal until she regained her strength. Julia checked on the boys, satisfied that all evidence of the terrible cough was gone from the nursery, and took her leave for a breath of fresh air.

The sky was a light blue, nearly the shade of Nathaniel’s eyes, by turns as warm as a summer pond and cold as ice. Try as she might, she could not remove the memory of his offer of friendship from her mind. She had come out into the world to escape that scene as much as anything else. At a time when her cousin needed Julia’s full attention and devotion, dwelling over the feel of her hand secure in his was not the least bit helpful.

Her heart thudded painfully against her chest, standing in a field of snow, all the world around her serene. The only sounds to come to her were the laughter of the children playing and the gentle sounds of the wind. She drew in a deep breath, trying to clear her thoughts, but she only felt more sharply the pain in her chest when she thought too long on Nathaniel.

Though his last words to her had been complimentary, praising her devotion to her family, it wounded her to know he could never feel for her what he had once before. That dreadful day, after he’d spoken to her father, she’d let him leave her believing her the very worst sort of person.

“I am meant to marry a title or a fortune,” she whispered to the wind. How must those words have sounded to him? How much worse what she said next?

Julia remembered every word.

“I cannot join you in your dreams. I would never be permitted to be a physician’s wife and the road before you is too difficult for us to walk, tethered together by only a few shared dances and walks in the park. You ought to leave, Mr. Hastings.”

Every word was but a half-truth. Julia would not ask him to wait for her to reach her majority, when she might come to him freely as his wife. What kind of weight would that put upon his shoulders? How distracting would that be, as he pursued his education and worked to become a doctor? Father would never permit the match, not in a thousand years, and might even find ways to work against Nathaniel if he thought the young man persisted in his suit. She had not wanted to leave him with hope for their relationship to continue, not when what they had, lovely though it felt, was new and fragile.

Julia had not known, or had not wished to, how deeply he cared for her. She denied her heart, putting away her feelings in an effort to spare his.

She knew, with their secret revealed to her father, that she would go home to a man who would bend her to his will. Having never stood up to her father’s wishes before, knowing he controlled every aspect of her life, Julia had feared to return to him that afternoon.

“Count it a blessing my father denied your suit,” she said had said, her eyes skimming over the tops of trees and houses in the distance, looking anywhere but at him. “Because we can never be more than what we are now. Friends meant only to pass a short time together, before going on our separate paths.”

He had drawn himself up, though wounded. “If that is all you have to say to me, Miss Devon, then I was wrong about you and about what I felt. I apologize for wasting your time. I will not bother you with my friendship any longer. Consider me no more, and I will do my best to forget you.” With that he’d bowed, all cold formality, evidence of strain in his face and the tightening of his jaw, his blue eyes cold and dark. Then he’d walked away, never once looking back. She’d watched, hoping he would.

The days went by, her father’s wrath passed over her like a storm and his anger lingered heavily like a fog. The house became oppressive. Though Julia forced herself to continue attending the events on her social calendar, she could not bring herself to offer a word of encouragement to any gentleman when her heart stubbornly clung to Nathaniel.

She loved him too deeply, but she was too young and alone to do anything about it. Finally, when a match was presented to her by her father, she found enough strength to refuse to marry. First, he tried to coax agreement from her, then he offered threats, and finally he railed against her in fits of tremendous anger, and Julia often feared he would strike her. But she remained unmoved.

In her heart, she hoped Nathaniel would come back. She hoped word of her refusal to obey her father would trickle through society, that rumor would reach him, that he might return with hope in his eyes, allowing her to explain it all to him.

Life did not fall neatly into place as it did in novels, and Julia went back to the country in disgrace, forced to live for the next several years under the shadow of her father’s disapproval and animosity. She could not seek out Nathaniel, not after all that had passed between them, and time went by, leaving her to surround her heart in a fortress of stone that not even her sisters could ever truly get past.

Not until Christine, the sister born next after Julia, fell in love.