Page 39 of Discovering Grace

When he arrived home, Jacob took himself to his room. At least, that was where he intended to go. He met his mother in the hall leading to the family’s bedchambers.

“Jacob,” she called upon seeing him, coming as she was from her own chambers. “You are returned from the picnic. How was the event? A great success, as always?”

His guilt at making Grace uncomfortable made it difficult for him to answer at first. “Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.”

His mother came down the hall, her brow puckered. “Everyone but you?”

How did she do that? Though he limited his words, twisted his expression into cheer, she knew his mind seemingly better than he did.

“It occurred to me that it might not be the best way for a vicar to spend an afternoon.” There. That was partly the truth.

She stopped a few paces from him, searching his face. “You are not a vicar yet, and you were among friends. Did anything happen to put you out of sorts?”

He glanced at his door, wishing he had made it inside before she found him home. His mother would not pry, not if he asked her to leave him be. But the strange mixture of guilt and desire he felt, the difficulty of his position as friend to Grace, roiled inside his mind in a most unhealthy manner.

“I cannot tell the whole of it,” Jacob said at last, the promise he made Grace to keep her secret binding his tongue. “But something did happen.”

His mother joined her hands before her, appearing completely relaxed and ready to hear anything he had to say. With six children to look after, how Mother had managed to remain on good terms with them all impressed him. It was due in part to moments like this, when she invited them to share their burdens with her.

After a moment of arranging his thoughts, Jacob attempted to explain. “Something odd happened, Mother. I know we have spoken of my feelings for a certain friend.” He shifted from one foot to the other, not looking his mother in the eye. “Lately, however, it is another woman we know who has my attention. Today, in the middle of the games, I almost did something that would make you ashamed.”

“I very much doubt that. You are a good son, and I have never been ashamed of you.” Her gentle words made it harder to admit his guilt.

“I almost kissed this woman.” He winced with the admission.

She stared at him a moment. “And? I am afraid the notion of you stealing a kiss is not enough to shock me. Do you think I kissed no one until after my betrothal to your father?” She shrugged when he gaped at her. “Come now, dear. If you care for a lady, it is only natural. Though I am surprised such a thing would happen when it was not long ago we were speaking of that certain other lady.”

Jacob’s ears grew hot. “I know. I cannot understand it myself.”

“And what you feel for this new miss, this other friend. Is it genuine affection?” his mother asked, raising her eyebrows at him. “Or a passing fancy? You said you did not kiss her. Why is that?”

Jacob released a deep breath before answering, a bit sheepishly. “I am fairly certain she wants nothing to do with me, at least in a romantic sense.” He ducked his head, the rejection of her pushing him away stung, even if his own motives confused him. Was he that disgusting to her? Even after she knew of his former wish to court Hope?

His former—Had he ever told Grace he’d given up his desire to court her sister?

With that thought, realization came. Jerking his head up, Jacob met his mother’s concerned gaze. “Lud, I am twice a fool. I bungled everything.”

“Jacob, you are hardly making sense. Whatever do you mean?” Mother eyed him suspiciously, a perplexed frown in place.

“I need to think on this more, Mother. But rest assured, I will let you know what comes next.” He stepped forward and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for listening to my nonsense.”

“I am always here for you, Jacob. I do hope everything will turn out well for you.” She shook her head at him, but Jacob barely noticed as he went back down the hall. Locking himself away in his room would do him little good. He needed to walk. The fresh air would clear his mind faster than anything else.

Chapter 15

Dawn found Grace already awake and sitting on the edge of Hope’s bed. Since beginning her ruse, she had not slept well. The previous night, she had barely slept at all. Over and over in her mind, she saw the scene between herself and Jacob in the orchard as though she watched a play. A rather tragic play, at that. Her longing for his attention had finally brought about the very scene she desired, but nothing in that moment with him had felt right.

What if he had kissed her? The idea sent a blush into her cheeks, but as quickly as it came it left, wondering if he only saw her as a replacement for Hope. The thought made her stomach lurch unpleasantly.

When Susan came to help Grace dress, the maid found her mistress had done most of the job. All that was left for Susan was to tie up a few things and assist in the arrangement of Grace’s hair. Grace, distracted, barely said a word to her servant. The quiet hovered between them, an almost impenetrable curtain.

“Miss?” Susan at last brought Grace from her thoughts. “Your hair is finished. Do you require anythin’ else?”

Meeting her maid’s eyes in the mirror, Grace studied Susan carefully. The maid had stopped exclaiming over her hair, had not made another comment about anything that struck her as odd. Yet Grace could not think she had completely fooled Susan. The woman helped her in and out of the bath, for goodness sake.

“No, thank you.” She rose from the chair and went to the door while Susan went about tidying up the room. Though it was too early for breakfast, she went downstairs. Putting something in her stomach might stop its odd behavior. Perhaps she could beg toast from Cook.

Grace passed through the silent house, her ears listening for the busy sounds of her family even though she knew no one but her father was at home with her. She missed Hope. Missed her mother. And her younger brother and sisters. Edward, Charity, and Patience would come home from school soon. At least then some of the old liveliness would return to the Refuge.