Page 94 of Gorgeous Misery

“Nah.” Merc says this with a long sigh. “I mean, when she gets pissed at me over normal shit, I kinda like it.” He smiles. “And she’s not like…”

“Go ahead. You can say it. She’s not like me.”

“I mean that in a good way for you. You’re one of those super-soldiers, right? They invested time, and money, and training into you, Wendy. Sydney was an afterthought. So when I say she’s not like you, what I mean is that she’s a lot more vulnerable.”

I ponder this for a moment as I watch Sasha Cherlin make her way down the air steps towards my Nick and he waits for her.

I have imagined this moment ever since I learned what Nick really did that first day we met. I was too young and too new to understand what was happening offshore in Santa Barbara that night. And to be honest, I didn’t really like Nick before I went to live with him and Lauren. When I looked at him back then all I saw were secrets and lies. Of course, I didn’t know anything about his secrets and lies the way I do now, so it always put me off.

Normally I hate liars, but Nick’s lies were never really lies. He always tells the truth, he just almost never tells the whole truth.

I’m OK with it. Because sometimes I need these almost-lies. Other times I don’t, and then I pick my way past what he’s saying and hear what he’s not saying. I feel like he gives me a choice. Do I want to be ignorant? If so, take him at his word. If not, dig deeper.

I like the choice. I like that he gives me the choice. It’s how he protects me. And even though I don’t want to know what he’s protecting me from—I prefer the almost-lie in that regard—I love the fuck out of him for doing it.

Nick makes a move, stepping forward towards Sasha. I inhale sharply, unsure how I feel about this. But then Sasha takes a step back—like she doesn’t want him to get too close—and I let that breath out.

I can’t see Nick’s lips. He knows better and has his back to me. I’ve never told him that I can read lips, but at this point in our relationship, he knows. He’s a careful man.

Sasha’s clothes are… I dunno. Predictable ex-assassin, I guess. Her look says, Yep. I’m a mom and I live in the suburbs, but don’t fuck with me. At least, that’s what I see.

Her lips move just as her diamond wedding ring sparkles in the sun. Nothing to say to me? So apparently Nick isn’t talking. Well? You guys brought me here, what the fuck do you want?

“Maybe we should give them privacy?” Merc says.

“Knock yourself out,” I snap. His comment made me miss something because now Sasha is walking towards Nick. And he’s just letting her!

My heart is beating fast again, the tunnel vision starting. I close my eyes, missing even more, as I pull myself together.

I am in charge of me.

Sweet, beautiful, perfect, whole.

I am in charge of me.

Everlasting, transcendent, exceptional, extraordinary.

I control me, no one else.

Remarkable, exquisite, priceless, sublime.

When I open my eyes again, my heart is back to normal and Nick is looking over his shoulder at the house. But it’s just a quick look and I don’t think he spots Merc and me in the window.

Do I scare you or something? Sasha laughs. Because I’m not that girl anymore. Haven’t been her since that day out in Kansas when I killed you.

Well. She’s not subtle, is she? Goes right for the kill shot.

I miss what happens next because Nick looks over his shoulder again and I lock in on his face for that brief moment and memorize it. Then analyze it.

What is he thinking right now?

He loves her?

He wants her?

I miss more, because Sasha’s now demanding to know Nick’s thoughts. And then… it’s like the dam breaks and there is a flurry of words coming out of Sasha’s mouth. But they come with hand gestures, and movement, and feelings.

So many, many fucking feelings.