Page 8 of Gorgeous Misery

“Is it in control now?”

This is a trap question. And I don’t want to say what I’m about to say, but it has to be said. “We lost a lot of people, Wendy. A lot of people gave their lives to get us to this moment.”

She pushes both middle fingers up to my face. “Fuck you.”

“Do you want to make all those sacrifices meaningless? We are winning. We’ve practically won for all intents and purposes. They scurried away like cockroaches and now they’re hiding in the floorboards. But that’s only because we’re shining light on them. We’re still diligent. If we turn the lights off, Wen, what happens then? Hm? What do cockroaches do when you turn the lights off?”

“So when do you stop?”

“We stop when they’re gone.”

“What about us?”

“What about us?”

“We’re them. So I’m confused. How is it that you and me, we get to come out the other end alive yet they all have to die?”

“We’re the good guys, that’s why.”

She snorts. “That’s hilarious. There are no good guys. I’m pretty sure you’re the one who told me that when I was a kid, actually. We’re not the good guys, Nick. And they’re not the bad guys.”

I just stare at her for a moment, trying to see it from her perspective. “Who are you trying to save?”

“What?”

“Who are you worried about? That’s what this is, right? You’ve got a friend still stuck inside. Just tell me who they are, I’ll see what I can do.”

“I don’t have a friend inside. I’m speaking in general terms. I’m a Zero. You’re a Zero. We’re people, Nick. And so are they. People who did not ask to be born. People who had no choice in who they are.”

“That’s the point, Wendy. They don’t know any better. They think—”

“They think this is normal?” Wendy asks. She shakes her head at me. “That’s so fucking stupid. You think hunting them is normal. You don’t lose a single wink of sleep at night over this shit, do you? Don’t you see it? You’re no better than them.”

“I never said I was.”

“You’re worse,” she continues. “Because you’re a failed Zero. You, and James, and Santos, and Vincent.”

“Vincent wasn’t a Zero.”

“You men”—she clarifies by pointing her finger at me—“you men were the problem. And we were the answer.”

I don’t even know what to say to this. I can’t really argue with her because this is all true. All the male Zeroes in the initial program went insane. Only James really made it out. Adam and I don’t count. We were both pulled early enough. And Vincent was never in the program. He was being groomed for politics. But Santos… he was the poster child for what a male Zero was. Even he knew he needed to die.

“You all went insane during the Zero training.” Wendy is still talking. “Us girls? We’re the ones who can handle it.”

Now I’m starting to get pissed. “What do you want, Wendy? You want me to quit? You want me to leave them alone?”

“You already leave some of them alone. You’re picking and choosing, Nick. So let me ask you again. Are you gonna kill Sasha?”

“Don’t be a fucking bitch. I’m never going to kill Sasha.”

“And she’s the worst of them.”

I laugh. “No, Wendy. She’s not.”

“Who is then?” She tips her chin up again. “Hm? Who is? Indie? Angelica? Avery? Daphne? Lily? Hannah? Me?” There is only one girl left that she knows I care about. Only one girl left that I will not kill and for a moment I don’t think she’ll say it, but she does. “Lauren? How are we different?”

“You guys are…” But I pause here to gather my thoughts.