Page 21 of Pretty Nightmare

“Hmm. That’s nice to know. I carry a lot of guilt about you, Indie.” He pushes me away a little bit so he can see my face. “I’d just like to say I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“Oh, stop. That’s not even true. Who the hell knows who would’ve bought me if it wasn’t you and Adam?”

“Oh, God.” He rubs his temple with a fingertip. “As much as I want to tell you not to say that—that I didn’t buy you—it’s true, isn’t it? I did.”

“That’s not the point I was making. I’m just saying, it could’ve been a lot worse. I’d probably be dead now if you two didn’t buy me that day.” We both think about this for a little bit and then I say, “So what do you think? You help me and I’ll help you?”

He sighs again, sounding very tired. “What’s your plan, then? More therapy?”

“Yeah. I want you to put me under and ask me things. Things about before the island. And then… I don’t know. I’ll help you any way I can. I’ll ask you things, if you want. I can’t hypnotize you, obviously. But I can help you figure it out. I don’t have any idea what self-hypnosis looks like, but it can’t be… reliable. At least I’ll keep you honest.”

“Is this gonna be a secret? Just between us?”

“It doesn’t have to be, if that makes you uncomfortable. We can tell Adam and McKay if—”

“No.” He shakes his head. “No. We can tell them about you, if you’d like. But not about me. I don’t want them knowing shit before I do. And I can’t trust Adam. I love him, don’t get me wrong. I’d die for him if it came down to it. Like…” He laughs. “I can’t really fight my way out of anything with him. We’re not trained the same. But if I could help him in a time of need, I would. No hesitation. McKay too. But this is…”

“Personal,” I finish for him.

“Very personal. Carter…” Donovan draws in another very long breath. “If he’s alive—and obviously, he is—then we have some shit to sort out. And I don’t want Adam or McKay to steal that opportunity away from me. I need to find him and I need that last conversation. He’s the one with the answers. If they kill him before I get my chance, well, I’ll never be OK, Indie. I can’t let that happen. So the deal is, you keep me out of it if you want to tell Adam and McKay what you’re up to.”

“I can live with that. But I’m not going to tell them. That’s why I made my own space over here. We can do me at home and then I’ll go into town with you and we’ll keep all your stuff separate.”

“Hmm. They might start asking questions about that. The town thing.”

“Well, we’ll have to be smart about it, obviously. I’ll tell them I’m working for you. Filing or something.”

“Filing.” He laughs. “Do people file things anymore?”

“How the fuck should I know? I’ve never had an actual job.”

He laughs again. “How about we just tell them we’re spending time together?”

“Like… we’re dating?”

I feel him shrug underneath me. “Listen, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. Sooner is my guess. We all know that the thing holding this up is them, not us. Right?”

“We saw you last night, by the way. Adam and I were looking in the window when you and McKay were kissing. So it went well?”

“No. It did not go well. He did let me kiss him. And I was pushing it. Gonna take it a little further. But then you and Adam came in the front door and he went all rigid again. Then after you two went upstairs, he pushed me in the chest and told me to back the fuck up and keep my distance.”

“Fucking McKay. He’s the one holding shit up. If those two would just work it out, we’d all be a lot happier.”

“It’s not just them, though. It’s you and Adam too.”

“No. Adam and me are just fine.”

“You sure about that?”

“Well… hmm.” I think about last night. How he stopped me. Didn’t let me get him off, but then got me off instead. “Maybe not.”

“You and I have been together lots of times.”

I tsk my tongue at him. “I would not call it lots of times, Donovan. It’s been like—”

“Eight times, Indie. I’m keeping track. More than you and McKay, that’s for sure. But still, McKay and you, that’s a done deal. He loves you. You love him. But you’ve never been with Adam outside that one time.”

I make a face and scratch my arm. “I don’t know what you’re getting at.”