Page 104 of Spiced!

Benji: THE FORCE DOES NOT OBSERVE BUSINESS HOURS. (nor does my asshole)

I squeezed my lips together and thought about smacking my forehead again.

Me: I don’t know what you think you sensed. I’m getting ready to make bread. Period.

Benji: I sensed a specific disturbance that occurs when Adrian Voss, who has been professionally unflappable since he clawed his way out of his mamasita, does something that makes him not unflappable. I have been waiting for this disturbance for months. All I need to know is, was it good?

Me: First of all, I would never call my mother “mamasita.” Second, I’m not discussing this.

Benji: On a scale of one to ten.

Me: No.

Benji: Seven? Eight?

Me: Benji.

Benji: It was a ten, wasn’t it? He fucking rocked your world, didn’t he? I bet your asshole is tingling more than mine!

Me: I have to go make bread.

Benji: THE BREAD CAN WAIT.

Me: The bread can’t wait. The bread has never waited. The bread doesn’t know what waiting is.

Benji: Is he still there?

On reflex, I looked at the bathroom door. On the other side, down the hall, beyond a bedroom door, Brendan was indeed sleeping, his hair mussed in ways that made my toes curl, even from my seat on the edge of the tub.

Me: I’m not answering that.

Benji: OMG. OMG. OMG. He STAYED! This is HUGE!

Me: Lowercase letters exist for a reason. please use them.

Benji: I am experiencing emotions that require capitals. Did he make coffee?

This made me pause. It was silly—and ridiculous. Brendan was sleeping. He should be sleeping, for God’s sake. Why on earth would he have made coffee?

Me: I haven’t been to the kitchen yet.

Benji: Go check.

Me: I’m not going to check so I can report back to you. Besides, he’s asleep. He can’t make coffee in his sleep.

Benji: Go check for yourself then and just HAPPEN to tell me.

Me: Good night, Benji.

Benji: It’s morning.

Me: Goodbye, Benji.

Benji: I’m adding to the napkin.

Me: I’m sure you are.

Benji: It’s a good addition.