Page 98 of All The Ways to Miss You

Linden’s one hundred percent right. This is what I’ve been dreaming about, for time to roll back, returning everything we lost.

My brother rolls his eyes when he sees I’ve yet to move. He opens the door anyway. He and Cait exchange pleasantries, words I can’t decipher in my haze. When she steps inside, I suck in all the air in the room to make it through the next several moments.

Even in dark jeans and a black tank, she’s more beautiful than I remember. Tall, yet she makes herself smaller by curling into herself. Perfect, except for the scars I know she has all over her skin. In the past, she could be outgoing one moment and a loner the next. Everything depended on her mood or the weather. She said it was because she was a Libra, constantly searching for balance. Either way, everything inside me wants to sweep her into my arms and never let go. I have to remind myself I’m nothing to her now, even if she’s still, after all these years, everything to me.

“Evan!” Linden yells. He’s been repeating my name, but I ignored him with her distracting me.

“This is Cait,” he says, introducing us.

I stand as if I’ve been called to duty, but that’s all I can manage. As she stares at me, taking me in, I wait for her reaction. I watch her ears to see if they turn pink the way she used to when she saw me half-dressed, shirtless, and in my boxer briefs. When they do, my heart skips a beat. I study her eyes to determine what’s most important in this interaction. Despite her amnesia, will she finally remember me? Even a little bit?

She steps forward and extends her hand, her gaze focused on my face, keeping this all business. “Nice to meet you.”

When she smiles, I want to fall to my knees in tears. Not because it’s beautiful, but because it’s not the smile she used to give me. This is her plastic smile, the one she used for her parents and people she didn’t care for. This is her “I’m being polite” smile. It’s the same one she gave me when I approached her at school. Her smile has the power to ignite and destroy, and my heart just burst into flames.

It’s here I determine she remembers nothing. Still. And for the second time in my life, the woman who used to love me rejects me, and she doesn’t even know it. I give Linden a dirty look. I want to punch the fucker for putting me in this position.

“Hey.” I respond, but my voice is monotone. I don’t lift my jittery hand to shake hers. The pain of touching her and remembering the perfect way our fingers fit might kill me.

She drops her hand at my rejection and lays it across her stomach. When she shifts from one foot to the other in an uncomfortable way, I know what’s next. She captures her bottom lip with her teeth. I suppress a smile at knowing it would make an appearance before the shadow of loneliness crosses me again.

“You’ll have to forgive Evan,” Linden says, stealing her attention. “He forgot he was helping you this morning.”

“Oh, thanks. Sorry to wake you.” Cait glances between us.

“He loves this stuff, but I need to get some coffee in him first,” Linden jokes, and ushers her out the door. “We’ll be out momentarily.”

“Sounds good.” She waves with uncertainty. Perhaps she can sense the tension before she disappears from view.

As soon as he shuts the door, I descend, ready to beat the ever-loving shit out of him.

But he stops me in his tracks by saying, “Oh yeah, I also promised her you’d show her around this weekend.”

forty-six

Alone in my apartment, I get a good look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I’m not a chick, but when I dreamed of reuniting with my long-lost love, something I never believed would happen, I didn’t imagine myself looking like utter shit . . . or smelling like it. I sniff my pits and recoil from the stench.

The last time I left the apartment was when I taught capoeira three days ago, and that might be the last time I showered. The fact that I can’t remember is a problem. Functioning at the bare minimum is the real problem these days.

Before I face Cait again, I need to look and smell presentable. I shower and rush around the apartment to dress. Every couple of moments, I stop and peek out the window to catch a glimpse of her, reassuring myself. Yes, she’s really fucking here.

Before I step outside my apartment, I pause to take a breath and gather my wits. What must she think of me already? What will I do when I face her again? What the hell will I say? “Hey, remember me? We used to be in love.”

Fuck Linden for doing this, for forcing me to face her a second time. I’ll have it out with him later, but for now I need to be near her again. I open the door and step outside into the sunny October morning. They’re chatting at the bottom of the steps.

“See, told you he just needed some caffeine,” Linden says to Cait before glancing at his watch. “I’m running late for a meeting, but Evan will help you with anything you need this weekend.”

Very convenient, asshole.

Linden’s driver opens the back door of his sedan and he slides inside. Before he drives away, the darkened window rolls down. From inside, Linden says, “See you Monday morning, Cait.”

“Looking forward to it.” She waves.

We’re alone and staring at each other. What I want to say is on the tip of my tongue . . . it’s been there for years. A speech I prepared long ago when I approached her before.

How can I explain I loved her but her parents did everything in their power to keep us apart? That I’m sorry I didn’t fight hard enough. They wanted her to forget me, and they won. I hate myself for giving her space, but when I realized my epic fuckup, it was too late. By then, there was too much time and distance between us. I never should have stopped trying, and I’ve regretted it all this time.

Looking into her eyes now, I know I won’t tell her those things. It’s still not the right time, and it may never be.