Page 65 of All The Ways to Miss You

As soon as I understand, relief washes over me. It was another panic attack. I slump back into Evan’s embrace. Sweat beads on my neck. Tears burst free at the fully formed memory. The pressure in my head releases.

“You’re okay. You’re okay.” Evan soothes me, rocking me gently. When I grasp his shirt between my fingers, he squeezes me tighter.

“We’ll take you to the ER,” the man says.

Through watery eyes, I notice the ambulance. Red and white lights flash silently. Gawkers surround us, but volunteers wearing neon shirts hold them back.

“No.” I shove him away and push myself to stand on wobbly knees. My entire body’s trembling, my lips quivering. I wipe my eyes. I stumble and steady myself by grabbing Evan, who’s jumped up too.

“Whoa, Cait.” His hands grip my shoulders. “Don’t be dumb. You passed out.”

“Evan, please, take me home. I’m fine.”

He can’t see me this way. I need to appear strong. I can’t help the thoughts when they come, though I know it’s too late. He’s seen the worst of me. I school my tremors and cross my arms. I’m decided.

Evan glances to the paramedic for backup, but I know I can refuse. I’ve done it before. I only need to sign some papers to be released.

We catch a taxi home. Evan pays, and we go inside. I’m eager to crash, drained from the encounter, my failure. I begin to climb the stairs, but he grabs my shirt, plucking the fabric taut. I pause and turn.

“Not so fast. If you refuse to see a doctor, I’m not letting you out of my sight. Someone needs to protect you from yourself.”

“Back to Dr. McDreamy?” I pout.

“Whatever it takes.” He crosses his arms.

I get the feeling he’ll throw me over his shoulder if he has to. Right now, I’m too weak to protest, and I’m not sure I want to be alone. In my recall, it’s the worst attack I’ve ever had. If I have another . . .

I begin to shake again. I nod with reluctance, and Evan leads me into his apartment.

“I’ll get you some clothes.” He pours me a glass of water and places it in front of me on the table, instructing me to drink. I hand over my keys. When he darts away, my phone chirps with a text. I remove it from my pocket and read.

Aggie

How many more miles until we celebrate? Lou’s antsy.

Attached is a photo of Lou perched high atop a monument. He’s grabbing a naked sculpture’s crotch. A police officer gestures at him from the ground. On any other day, this would cheer me. Instead, shaky fingers text her back.

Cait

Had an issue. Have fun without me.

Aggie

More shit?

Cait

Safe. At Evan’s.

Aggie

On my way.

Cait

No, I’m fine.

She doesn’t respond, which means she’ll do as she pleases.