Page 55 of Black Ledger

I was in Severin’s bedroom alone. The room was empty. I didn’t care. I wanted to be alone and never see anyone again.

I was so deeply embarrassed.

Quickly, I raided Severin’s closet to find pants I could make fit me—an impossible task. He was at least a foot taller than me and built out of muscle. I wasn’t short. I was above average and also very toned, but that didn’t make up for the size difference.

Once dressed, I tiptoed out of the room, down the hall, down the stairs, and through the front door without anyone seeing me. I went home, closed every blind, and crawled into bed.

And I curled into a ball and let my tears fall.

And that’s where I stayed until someone intervened.

It took seven days for Nika to force me out of bed. I barely remembered them. I didn’t know how I fed myself. I didn’t remember showering or peeing or, for that matter, shiting.

I remembered pain.

But worse, I remembered shame.

“Okay, get up,” Nika said, hitting me in the head with a pillow. “I let you sulk for a week. That’s enough. You are not going to let a horrible boy ruin you.”

“Sulk?” I sat up, angry, venom spilling from my lips. Processing my assault was not fucking sulking.

Nika bit her lip. “That was the wrong choice of words.”

“So you think I should just get over it?” I spat.

“No.” Nika shook her head. “Not at all. I am saying, get fucking even. I am saying, don’t let that ballsack of a human take away who you are.”

“It’s only been a week.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat.

Nika sat on the edge of my bed. “I don’t know the first thing about processing this, or how to feel better, or how to function. I have no idea.” She squeezed my shoulder. “But what I do know is that you need some sun, air, and a shower.”

I met Nika’s eyes. For a moment, we spoke in silence. She was one year younger than me, but we were much like twins. She didn’t know what to do, and she was deeply worried about me. “Are you saying I smell?” I joked.

She laughed. “Well… yes.”

I hit her with a pillow. But there was no lie in her statement. I reeked. So I listened to my very wise younger sister, pulled myself out of bed, and got into the shower. I let the warm water wash over my body, time slipping past like molasses.

Hot water helped. Not enough. Never enough. But it helped. I almost felt human again.

Clean felt impossible, but I chased that goal anyway.

With a loofah, I scrubbed my entire body, over and over again. Compulsively, not stopping. I did it so long that a blossom of blood formed on my inner thigh. I swallowed and stared at the blood dripping down my leg and mixing with the water, the deep crimson color fading the farther down my leg it got.

My eyes locked on the trail.

I couldn’t look away.

Blood had always been my favorite color. Yeah, I was probably deeply fucked up. Oh, well. I had killed many times before and had permitted Severin to kill a politician’s son. There was definitely something wrong with me.

I didn’t think I was a psychopath. I felt too much for that. But a screw was definitely loose.

After I finally finished my shower, I dressed and let my sister take me to lunch. I had no appetite, but I ate because she would not stop staring at me.

Life continued like this for another week, with Nika, my brother, or Severin escorting me to my classes. We didn’t talk about it at all… or anything, for that matter. They were following my lead, and I didn’t want to speak.

I just wanted to keep moving. Piece by piece. I wanted to continue my life and pretend nothing had ever happened, but I knew that would never work. Every single member of the Bratva here knew. Guys who had watched me break bones. Guys who had watched me torture and kill. Guys who had once respected me.

They all fucking knew.