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I’ve long stood by my sad theory that the problem with dating apps is that you have to date people who use dating apps. A lot of weirdos lie in wait behind their phones, and you can’t suss out the rapidly diminishing population of normal people from the freaks as easily as you’d like. Believe me, I’ve tried. A lot of people are really adept at disguising themselves as regular guys through text, but the moment you meet them face to face it’s clear you’re on a date with another clown that fell off the circus train.

Okay, maybe I’m being a little hyperbolic. I’ve dated some decent guys. The problem is the ones who aren’t freaks are bone-crushingly boring.

It doesn’t help that I’m something of a local celebrity. A lot of people see my profile and assume I’m catfishing them, as if I’m some pimpled monstrosity using the photos of the hot weather girl from O2 News to land a date with someone way out of her league. The AI boom hasn’t helped things, either. I used to be able to send a selfie to prove who I am, but anymore people can just ask a bot to create a fake photo of me.

Maybe I’ll just die alone. I only ask that Dodo observe a respectable period of mourning before she starts to eat my body.

I laugh out loud at the thought. Better than crying, I suppose.

All that said, I’d really like to go out tonight. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve done anything. At the very least, it’s been a while since I got laid. I wouldn’t mind hooking up with a hot guy, clear a few cobwebs.

I swipe to the folder—appropriately labeled STOP IT SLUT—on my phone where I keep my dating apps. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, the works. None of them have yielded anything.

Maybe there’s a new dating app. One the weirdos haven’t found yet.

I have no idea where to start.

And then fate intervenes. I open my email and see an ad for a new dating app.

Discover new places—and meet your twin flame—on Twistr!

I click on the link, praying it’s not malware. It takes me to the app store. The Twistr app has a cute icon of a cartoon tornado with heart eyes on it. That alone sells it.

Tired of the same boring dates over and over again? The same Italian restaurant with the same stale breadsticks and the same red checkered tablecloths? Put a TWIST in your dating life with Twistr! Meet eligible single professionals local to your area, decide on a date and time, and Twistr will choose the location of your first date for you! We select the perfect locale for your modern meet-cute from an array of fun-filled establishments in your area. We’ll even take care of the ride. You and your date won’t know what you’re in for until you get there. That’s the TWIST! Download today!

Hmm. An interesting take.

Hopefully not a cover for a human trafficking operation. I go on Google and look up a few reviews on a third-party site. It seems legit.

What the hell, then?

I download the app, input my personal information, and upload a few flattering selfies. I start swiping profiles. I find a lot of guys typical to the Chicago dating scene. Skinny, mousey, soy-powered guys working in tech sporting the facial hair of a thirteen-year-old.

Ugh. What happened to real men?

I mean, all power to these guys. I’m sure they’re great, with good jobs, yadda yadda yadda.

But where are the guys with rippling muscles and long flowing hair who ride their white horse across thorny forests to save their maiden fair from the wicked witch who’s kept her locked in a stone tower? The guys from those old paperback romance novels you buy five for a dollar at the local thrift store?

Yeah, yeah. It’s an unrealistic fantasy. I hear you.

But a guy like that has to exist somewhere.

Doesn’t he?

2

AUS

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity-fuck fuck.

I’m late.

Again.

I take a deep breath in. Remind myself.

I wanted this. I yearned for it.