Page 171 of At First Catch

“How bad is it?”

Nolan hesitates.

It reminds me he still instinctively keeps pain compartmentalized away from everyone else.

“It’s complicated,” he says finally.

Fear flickers low in my stomach this time. Not because I think he’ll leave. Because I’m suddenly realizing loving Nolan may mean constantly fighting his instinct to isolate himself when things get hard.

I stumble back a step before I can catch myself. Nolan notices.

Pain flashes across his face so quickly it nearly steals my breath.

“Hads.”

I hate that sound—the worried version of my name. Now we’re both standing here afraid of hurting each other.

“I don’t know how to help you if you shut me out,” I admit.

I know how to show up for people.

Coffee.

Paperwork.

Last-minute favors.

Finding solutions before anyone has to ask.

But standing here...watching the man I love hurt while refusing to let me stand beside him...I’ve never felt so completely helpless.

The truth is, I’m so busy trying to figure out how to reach him that I haven’t stopped to admit what this is doing to me. Loving Nolan was never supposed to feel like standing outside a locked door. And maybe that’s what scares me most. Not that he’ll stop loving me, but that I’ll disappear trying to make sure he never has to carry anything alone.

Nolan stares at me like the words physically hit him somewhere vulnerable.

“I don’t know how to let somebody carry things with me.”

He says it as if he’s admitting a failure rather than asking for grace.

My heart breaks all over again.

Neither do I. Maybe we’ve both spent our lives believing love means giving everything away before anyone has the chance to ask for it.

I move closer again until my forehead rests lightly against his chest.

“You know what I think?” I whisper.

His hands slide instinctively along my back.

“What?”

“I think you love people like it’s your job to protect them.” Emotion catches in my throat. “But I don’t think anybody ever taught you that love also means letting yourself be protected too.”

The silence afterward feels enormous. Nolan goes completely still.

And then like a boulder has been lifted from his chest, I feel him exhale.

His arms tighten around me suddenly.