Page 137 of Getting Down to Business

“Right.”

“And you knew he was lying about both things after he’d attacked the second woman?”

“Yes.” Alyssa was getting frustrated.

“And you questioned him about the cut and the sweatshirt.”

“Yes. I already told you all of this. Why does it matter?”

“It matters because you keep getting stuck on it. Tell me again,” the doctor insisted.

“God! This is ridiculous.”

“Maybe. Tell me again. Tell me about the sweatshirt and the cut.”

At first, Alyssa crossed her arms, silently refusing to go through it all again. What did it matter? It was over. She just wanted to forget.

“It was the end of November.” She gave in, hoping there was some trick to getting through this. “It was cold out and he came home without the jacket. He had a winter coat, but he rarely wore it to work because it made his coat smell like fried food. He hated the smell of old grease.”

Alyssa took a breath, remembering him rubbing his arms when he walked into their apartment.

“I asked him where his coat was and he said he left it at work. It didn’t make sense. Even if he’d forgotten it, he would have remembered as soon he walked outside and felt the chill.

“He went straight for the shower. When he came out, he had a bandage on his arm. I asked him what happened and he said he didn’t know. It was a long cut. I couldn’t imagine he wouldn’t have known.

“Over the next week or so, he never came home from work with the jacket. He told me a different story each time. I knew he was lying. I should have pushed him on it, made him tell me the truth, but I didn’t.” Alyssa’s hands were shaking.

“Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want him to think I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want him to get angry and leave me. We were going to get married. I couldn’t risk it.”

“So you didn’t push him for the truth even though you knew he was lying. What did you think happened?”

“I didn’t think anything happened. I didn’t know. I just knew he was lying.”

“Did you think he was having an affair?”

“No. I don’t know.”

“You must have thought something had happened to the jacket. You must have known it wasn’t normal for someone to lie to someone they loved over something so insignificant.”

“I figured it wasn’t important.”

“You didn’t want to know,” Dr. Drenner said sternly. “You didn’t want to know the truth.”

“No, I didn’t.” To Alyssa’s surprise, she found herself crying. Big guilt-ridden tears rolled off her cheeks onto her dress pants.

“And what would have happened if you’d made him tell you?”

“I don’t know!” she yelled at the doctor.

“Yes you do. What would have happened if you had made him tell you the truth? If he’d told you he hurt someone?”

“He wouldn’t have.”

“If you’d asked him, really asked, he might have told you. Then what would have happened?”

“I’d have turned him in.”

“Would you have?”

“Yes! And then Bridgette wouldn’t have ever been hurt! She wouldn’t have had to live through that. It was my fault! I didn’t stop him from hurting her. I could have and I didn’t!” Alyssa broke down, repeating the words that had been dammed up in her for years.

The doctor gave her the time she needed to cry it out, offering tissues.

Alyssa took a deep breath when she’d regained control and Dr. Drenner gave her a small smile.

“He never would have told you. Never. And there was no reason for you to suspect it was something so gruesome. You never could have known what he did. He didn’t even know it himself. You were protecting yourself from being abandoned. You weren’t turning a blind eye to a horrendous crime. It’s easy for you to look back now and see how you should have known, but you didn’t. You couldn’t have. No matter how much you would have asked or pressured him about that sweatshirt, you wouldn’t have been able to spare Bridgette. You can’t keep punishing yourself.”

For the first time, Alyssa realized the truth. It was a sweatshirt and a cut. Not a bloody knife or a smoking gun. The police had used the sweatshirt and the cut to prove the crime after the fact, and somehow Alyssa had twisted it to believe she should have seen it first. But the shirt and cut, on their own, wouldn’t have meant anything without a reason to suspect him.

Alyssa left the office feeling slightly better. No one else would have jumped to the conclusion that her loved one was a rapist from a missing hoodie and a cut.

She’d believed Donald because she loved him. And part of her still loved the man she’d thought he was. But that man was gone. Or never was. She needed to find a way to let him go so she could move on.