Page 124 of Let’s Be Real

“I know. Can we video-call?”

“Of course,” I replied without thinking. If I’d taken some time to consider his question, I would have remembered I’d just finished crying and there was no way I’d be able to hide it, even through the phone screen.

But the next thing I knew, Nate’s face appeared, his eyes drinking me in. He didn’t have to say anything. His brows furrowed over his worried gaze when he saw me.

“You’ve been crying.”

I nodded. “A little.”

He sighed. “You’re tired, sweet girl.”

“Yeah…” I whispered.

“That’s why I called you before you got in your car.”

“What do you mean?”

“You need a break, Sammie.” He scrubbed his face hard. “Being here is good for me. I’m where I need to be, but it’s hard. It’s really fucking hard.”

From my therapy appointments, I had an inkling of how hard it was, but Nate was doing it all day, every day. Yet he looked rested. Healthy. His eyes were clear and focused.

He looked like my Nate.

“I talked to my therapist this morning,” he said quietly.

I smiled. “That’s good.”

“It was.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “We talked about you.”

“What about me?”

“We talked about how every morning I wake up counting down until you get here.” His smile was small, almost apologetic. “And how every night, after you leave, I start counting down until tomorrow.”

I frowned. “I do the same thing.” Was that wrong?

He looked away for a second before meeting my eyes again. Gently, so very gently, he said, “The thing is, I’ve been measuring my days by you instead of the work I’m doing here.”

When I couldn’t think of a single thing to say, he continued. “I love seeing you. God, Sammie, you’re my favorite part of every day.” He smiled sadly. “But that’s becoming the problem.”

Oh, I didn’t like the sound of that. But I’d always been a problem, so I should have been ready.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out around the fist squeezing my throat.

He shook his head. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I love you a lot, Samantha. That isn’t the problem and never will be.” He swallowed, his throat visibly working. “I need to learn how to sit with the ugly feelings instead of waiting for you to come make them hurt less.”

I couldn’t breathe. I had been so consumed with getting Nate better, I hadn’t been braced for him to end things.

“And...I can’t stop thinking about you driving four hours every day.”

“I don’t mind,” I rushed out.

“I know you don’t.”

“I’d drive eight.”

“I know what you’re thinking. I’m not breaking up with you. I want you…well, that’s it. I want you like I’ve never wanted anything else.” He smiled again, tears gathering in his eyes. “But I have to ask you to stop coming here, for both our sakes.”

I wanted to argue, but wasn’t this exactly what I’d been wishing for—someone to give me permission to take a break? It was just…I’d never imagined it would come from Nate.