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“You were protecting yourselves.”

“Right. But we’re adults now. Neither of us is in a place where we need to be protecting ourselves.” I let the words sink in as I scoop cookie dough out of the bowl. “We don’t need to run or build walls or…” I sigh.

“So now what?” she asks. “Now you know he’s wildly successful, you want to get to know him better?”

“Wow,” I say, a little hurt that she would think that about me, let alone say it.

“I was kidding. Sorry. I didn’t mean that you use people.”

Didn’t she? Wasn’t that exactly what she was saying?

I press down the cookie dough on the counter. “Your finger is probably fine now,” I say.

“Oh, okay,” she says, then turns the tap off and dries her hand on the tea towel she used to take the tray of her so-called cookies out of the oven.

I expect her to make an excuse and leave, but she doesn’t. She stays perched on the countertop.

“I really didn’t mean that. It was a low blow and I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re so well connected to everyone who’s anyone in New York.”

“You’re right. I am. But people use me. Not the other way around.”

“What?” she says.

I glance back at her, and she looks totally confused.

“People come to me with problems and I help fix them. Yes, I charge them, but I’m providing a service.”

“You see that as people using you?” she asks. “Isn’t that exactly what you want? Haven’t you made yourself indispensable to people?”

“Absolutely. I’ve worked hard to make sure I have something people want. But it’s a trade. People don’t come to me for a catch-up and beer unless they want something.”

“Right,” she says.

“But it’s how everything in my life works.”

“Isn’t it how everything in everyone’s life works?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think so,” I say. “At Worth’s house earlier in the week, the people weren’t there because they thought it might be useful to them, or because it would benefit their business. They were there to enjoy each other’s company.”

She frowns, and I slide the cookie tray into the oven and shut the door.

“And you don’t hang out with anyone just because you enjoy their company?”

“Deacon. And I kept in touch with Bray because I wanted to make sure he was okay.” I don’t know why I’m spilling all this to Avril. It’s like I can’t stop. But finding out all this stuff about Bray really makes me see how much I’m missing in my life. I’m not sure if it’s being with Avril these last few days that’s made me see things differently. Maybe it was seeing her with her brother and sister and all their friends, or maybe I’m just getting older, but I don’t want to continue living my life the way I have been.

“Right,” she says. “So business is one thing, but your personal life is another. Everyone uses each other in business. Or not uses exactly, but everyone’s trying to get somewhere and do something. It’s different when it’s friends and family.”

It’s good that Avril so clearly sees the distinction. I don’t, or at least I hadn’t until recently. For the longest time, my business life has been my entire life. I haven’t had anything else. But now? Now I realize that even though I’ve built everything I dreamed of, I still want more.

Avril’s lucky she has the people around her that she does. It makes me happy that she’s surrounded by people who really care about her. She deserves that. She’s special. But it stokes sadness in me. Jealousy even. I want that love and trust that she has. I want comfortable silences and people who you hang out with just because you want to spend time with them.

It’s not enough anymore to be running from fear. I want to be running toward something.

TWENTY-SIX

Avril

As we ride up in the elevators, all I can think about is how this is my penultimate night as Ben East’s roommate.