Page 33 of Ashes to Ash’s

“Stop jerking me around, dammit! Do you know the fucking hell I’ve been through, because of you? Do you know what it’s like to be in love, and get rejected every fucking time you try to make a connection? Do you know what it’s like to be told no, over and over again, when all you want to do is ignore that word, and fucking take what you want instead?”

“Huh?” My head jerked back, and I stared at him in horror, those last few words being the ones that really sunk in.

“Ash… are you saying you’ll fucking force me? You’ll rape me, if I don’t do what you want? Is that really where we’re at right now? Is this the person you are?”

He sighed, his shoulders dropping for a moment, as he stared at the floor.

“Fuck’s sake, Cal.” He lifted his head, meeting my eyes again. “If that’s what it takes, then yeah, I’ll fucking force you, and you know what else? I’ll make you like it. I’ll make you love what I do to you, so you’ll fucking beg me for it next time.”

Chapter Twenty-One

Ash

Ithink that’s what he wanted me to say, what he probably wanted me to do, because I think he just didn’t have the balls to do any of this, without me making it happen. Pushing him was the only way to get what I wanted, and I knew he’d had so many years of all this bullshit being drummed into him, making him believe that love was wrong if it wasn’t a man and a fucking woman. Was there a way to get him to realise it, or was forcing him the only way to make him accept me?

“Dammit, Ash! You’re planning to rape me too? Is that all I am? A fucking body for people to use to get off, regardless of what I want? When do I get to choose? When does someone listen to what I actually fucking want?”

He was screaming at me now, his hands pulling at his red hair, and there were tears streaming down his cheeks. He was beautiful like this, as much as it was heartbreaking, as much as I was watching him lose all control, and knowing it might not be fixable. Seeing him like this, completely broken apart, completely devoid of all their brainwashing, was a fucking triumph.

“What do you want, Cal? Tell me, and I’ll give it to you. I don’t want to force you… well, I kinda do, but I get that my urges aren’t your problem. What is your problem is the fact that you took in so much of that mindfucking they put you through, you’re fighting against who you are!”

“And WHO AM I?!” He yelled at me, lunging at me fists first, catching me on the chin, and then knocking me back onto my ass, still swinging at me, and trying beat the hell out of me.

I lay back and let him hit me, because I’d always loved the rush it gave me when pain hit my nerve endings, and left me with a lasting ache after. Call me fucked up, but I’m a Cross, right? We all have our fucked up wiring, but in our own special ways.

“Fight me, you fucking asshole!” Cal yelled, hitting the side of my head hard enough to make my ear ring. His nakedness, writhing on top of me as he tried to beat me up, was making this the weirdest and hottest thing I’d experienced.

He was naked, I was naked, and I was definitely fucking aroused. He was hitting me. That was hot too. It was all just hotness on top of hotness. Even his tears weren’t dousing my enjoyment of the moment, because I had a feeling this was what had to happen, so that he’d be free of all the trash they’d left cluttering up his head, and his heart.

“Hit me harder, babe. I’m the bad guy, right? Keep hitting me. Hurt me to make your pain go away.”

Cal froze, his chest still heaving with his rasping breaths, as he stared at me, his eyes trailing over my face, over the bruises and injuries he’d caused me. I ached and throbbed in so many places, and it was fucking exhilarating. Pain just made me harder. Was that the weirdest thing about me? Hardly.

“Why am I taking this out on you?” He suddenly choked out, tugging at his hair again, as more tears coursed down his cheeks.

“Because I don’t mind, babe. I like it. You can hurt me as often as you like. I can take it.”

“No.” He dragged the back of his arm across his eyes, and sniffled.

“No? Not even a little bit? Wanna punch me in the junk or something? That might be hot.”

Cal snorted and rolled his eyes at me. “That’s fucked up, Ash. Nobody wants that.”

“I’m just saying, it’s okay to take it out on me. You’ve had a shit life, and if you want to blame me, that’s fine. It won’t get you away from me. You’re going to be mine forever, Cal. That’s non-negotiable.”

His breath hitched in his throat now and then, little hiccups after the epic breakdown he just had, but he shook his head at me. What part of non-negotiable didn’t he understand? My hand shot up, locking around his throat as I pushed up, and rolled, taking him down, to pin him beneath me now.

Our situation had reversed in a split second, and like me, he didn’t fight it. He just lay there. Unlike him, I wasn’t looking to inflict physical pain though. The best stuff was the psychological pain, right? That was something my dads were skilled at apparently. I could deliver that in spades, but his parents had already done all the heavy lifting, and I was left with the remains of what they’d created.

“You’re mine whether you agree or not,” I insisted, squeezing on his throat, a small warning of just how fucking intense this could become.

“I mean, this isn’t your fault,” he whispered, his eyes sliding closed as he spoke, “its theirs. All of the destruction of my soul began with them. If anyone has to pay for who I am, it’s them.”

Oh fuck yeah. He’d look so hot covered in the blood of his family.

Callum

I think I just suggested my parents had to die, and the weird part of it? It didn’t feel wrong to think it, or even say it. The look of glee on Ash’s face didn’t bother me either. I felt like I’d just hit on the right decision. Like this was what had to happen, for me to get past the shit they put me through.