Page 36 of The Quiet Rebuild

Taylor offered Lindsey a soft smile. And then, as the car stopped again and horns blared around them, Taylor said, “Now that you’ve told me your story, I can’t stop thinking of the bird-watcher. How does he fit into all this?”

Lindsey took a breath, surprised that Taylor had found any time to consider her life.

“I think he can tell I don’t have emotional space for anything right now,” Lindsey said finally. “We went out for dinner and drinks the night before we left for LA, and he was really trying to get to know me. He said I’m the first person he’s been interested in for a while. But I have all these walls up.” She spread her hands out in front of her. “I think I need, like, ten years of therapy before I can let someone like Jake in.”

Taylor grimaced. “You’ve told me your story,” she said. “What if you call him later and try to tell him, too?”

Lindsey felt nauseated. “I don’t know. What if he…”

“Doesn’t listen? Can’t handle it?” Taylor filled in the blanks. “If he’s like that, then it’s good to know now. You have nothing to lose in telling him the truth. Just try.”

When they got back to the house Taylor had rented for them, Taylor set herself up in the living room with a glass of wine and more snacks. “I’ll be here for the night,” Taylor said, laughing. “I know I should be at the beach, or hanging with old friends, or talking to Jason about our heartbreaks, or whatever. Goodness, maybe I should even be with my father and aunts and uncles, mourning my mother properly. But I’d rather protect myself.”

Lindsey smiled. “Good. I’ll join you in a bit.”

Lindsey headed to her room, where she closed the door and took three gulping breaths. Was she really going to call Jake and tell him the truth? It felt wild. But after going to a funeral and thinking again about Maya and remembering all she’d already lost, she was heavy with the feeling that we only get one life. What if Jake was someone special? What if she was going to miss out on getting to know him, because she was too afraid to face herself?

The phone rang and rang. It was almost nine at night on the East Coast, and Lindsey was frightened that Jake had gone to bed early so that he could wake up early to watch birds. She didn’t know if she had it in her to wait till tomorrow to tell him. The moment would be gone.

And then, Jake answered. “Lindsey, hey.”

Lindsey rocketed to her feet and clenched her free hand. “Jake.”

“How was the funeral?” Jake sounded happy, if surprised to hear from her. That had to be a good sign, right?

“It was hard, I guess. Not for me, but.” Lindsey squeezed her eyes shut and told herself to leap. “It got me thinking about what you said. And about all I couldn’t say.”

Jake was quiet for a moment. “I thought maybe you were holding back.” There was a hint of good-humored sarcasm there.

Lindsey laughed gently. “I know. It’s been, um, hard for me to approach my past. I really don’t want to scare you away.”

“Your past won’t scare me away,” Jake told her. “We’re in our forties. We both have pasts, right?”

“Not like this,” Lindsey said, anxiety swelling in her stomach. “I was married before.”

“Lots of people were married,” Jake said.

“Yeah. But the difference is, I guess, that we had a daughter, and she died.” Lindsey took a dramatic breath and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Oh, Lindsey,” Jake said. “I’m so sorry.” And then, after a pause, he said, “Tell me about her.”

So, over the next half hour, Lindsey told Jake about Maya. She talked about the surprise of her pregnancy, how worried she’d been that her life would become very small, and then about the joy of learning that in fact, her life had only gotten bigger and richer. “My husband and I were very committed to our business, but we balanced family life pretty well, all things considered. I thought we were going to get away with having a very happy time. And then, our daughter drowned.”

Lindsey explained what had happened after: how she’d moved out, how she’d pretended to be someone else, how she’d taken a waitressing job and never spoken about her daughter. “I wasn’t angry when Christopher moved on. I figured it was only a matter of time,” she said.

“He should have asked for a divorce before doing that behind your back,” Jake said.

“I’m really not angry about it,” she said. “I’m not angry with Christopher at all. At least, I wasn’t until he and Piper sent me that box.” She explained to him that there was a box waiting for her in the closet at her Nantucket apartment, how it called out to her at night and infiltrated her dreams.

“What do you wish they would have done with her things?” Jake asked.

By now, Lindsey was splayed across the California King, her heart slow. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t like that they’re forcing you to face this,” Jake offered.

“Why do they get to decide when I face it?” Lindsey asked, her voice catching.

“It isn’t right,” Jake agreed. “They shouldn’t dictate when and how you move forward.”