Page 54 of Carte

I swallowed down my sobs, so he wouldn’t hear them. It hurt. Each swallow burned. But I stayed silent. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his words hurt.

I didn’t know how much I could take.

Unfortunately, I knew I had no strength to walk away.

I frowned at the music sheet in front of me,” What’s wrong with this?”

I was still holed up in my room. I have been since morning.

Carter came twice and knocked lightly on my door, telling me it’s time for lunch, and then dinner.

I ignored him both times.

It hurt too much to go out and be near him. I needed time to get my armor back to its formal glory. I knew if I went feeling like I did and was next to him, I would crumble down. And that gift, he wasn’t going to get.

He didn’t get to see how much he came to mean to me.

But, he would hear even if he didn’t know the words were meant for him.

So, I stayed closed off the whole day, doing what I did best.

Pouring all my despair into the music.

I took the pencil and tweaked a few notes. “That’s it,” I smiled at my only real companion through life.

Picking up the guitar that Carter gave me, I strung the strings softly.

Perfect.

Then I set out and tried to heal my weeping soul.

There, for only the moon to see, I hummed my most personal song. The one that no one would ever know about. That one was only for me. Me and Carter.

I hummed and let the tears fall, knowing I could never sing it to him. He would never know how much I wanted him.

I whispered the words of longing and love. Words meant for him, but held by me.

Words he would never hear or see.

I had to get it out. I had to or they would choke the life out of me.

I knew he didn’t want them, and I was not the kind of person to force them on him.

But, I had to let them out.

I had to let Carter go even though I knew deep down, he would never be gone. I didn’t expect it, couldn’t even dream it would happen, but somewhere along the line in the month that he’s been with me, Carter Ryan became a part of me.

And this was the only way I knew how.

But, the night would hold that secret for me.

And every time I looked up and saw the moon, I knew, someone saw deep into my heart. And I wasn’t all alone in the wind.

Chapter Fourteen

Carter

“Fuck,” I muttered, staring at the ceiling in the soft morning light. My muscles hurt like I ran fifty miles the day before and didn’t have a drop of water.