Page 46 of Carte

He just looked at me, almost as if he was daring me to look away, to admit defeat and let him be, but I wasn’t gonna do that. I wouldn’t let him swim in denial any longer. Instinctively, I knew, this was more than just what happened last night. “I know you didn’t sleep last night. But there’s something more going on than just a creepy stalker faking the photos of me sleeping.”

Carter swallowed, opened and closed his mouth, but he still didn’t say anything.

“Tell me.”

He slowly rubbed his palms against each other, his eyes tracing the motion, “You shouldn’t be able to see more. See what no one else does.”

I would always see more than others. I would make it my life mission of knowing every nuance about Carter Ryan, if he would let me, “These last weeks you had my back. Even when I tried to ditch you, you were there never letting something bad happen to me. You take care of me. Let me take care of you.”

Carter’s gaze lifted, revealing pain in his eyes that ricocheted through me, “You don’t want this, Dynamo.”

My heart gave a painful thump, “Don’t tell me what I want.”

He gave me a sad smile. “Thrust me, I know. I let down everyone I cared about. Was never there when my family needed me. Always having an excuse. But, I can’t. I can’t let anyone too close. Because I know the pain of losing them would destroy me.”

Oh God.

“I know it’s weak. But when you see your mother begging two men on her knees, to say that their words aren’t true, and that her husband wouldn’t be coming home ever again, it shifts something inside. Makes you built walls so high and so strong, there’s never any chance of tearing them down. It’s better for everyone that way.”

“That’s not weak,” my voice cracked. “It just means that you care. You care so much that you absorbed the pain of your family. That you took on their hardships as your own. And it means that you’re scared of feeling that way again.”

The pain in Carter’s eyes melted in the back, and a look of such longing and loneliness came through, it took my breath away. Here was this man, a man who was doing everything he could to keep safe, and he was all alone.

I wanted to reach out, to take him in my arms, and promise him he would never again be alone, would never again feel that kind of pain. But life didn’t work that way.

All you could do was trust that you were strong enough to give yourself to someone else, and that everything would be okay.

I reached over tentatively, like I was coming closer to a wild animal. Slowly, I put my hand over his, “You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to be scared. You don’t deserve to live your life alone, condemned to this self-imposed solitude.”

Carter shook his head, his gaze on our hands, “I can’t. I can’t live like that. I can’t be brave like you.”

“It’s not easy. It’s the hardest thing I had to do. But picking yourself up, and living your life how you want it is worth it.”

I knew he understood what I was asking of him without saying the words outwards. I saw the way he reacted last night, felt his tremors while he was sitting beside me on my bed. I wanted him to give it a shot. To give us a shot. There was this pull between us. And after last night, I was certain it wasn’t just in my mind. He was feeling it too. And his defenses were crumbling day by day. He just needed to let go of his fears.

Carter pulled his hand from mine then, and leaned deeper towards me. His hand grasped the back of my neck and squeezed. He pressed his forehead against mine, his breath tickled my lips, “Dynamo…”

A phone rang.

I wanted to kick whoever was calling ass as Carter jerked back from me.

“Yeah,” he muttered, standing up, and walking away like someone was chasing him for dear life.

What was I doing? Why was I pushing? Carter could have acted on this pull a hundred times already. It wasn’t like I was playing coy. I was giving him clear indication that I was open to something to happen between us. He just wasn’t willing to tear down his walls for me. Maybe last night has shifted something between us, but it would never be what it had potential to be. Carter would always stay firmly in his role of my bodyguard, behind the line of professionalism he drew in the sand. And I had to accept it, no matter how much it hurt.

He strode back into the living room, extending his hand holding the phone to me, “It’s for you.”

I reached up, and took the phone, “Hello.”

“Hey, girl,” Alina’s soft voice came over the speaker. Suddenly I felt like crying. “Are you doing okay?”

I nodded even though she couldn’t see me, “I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” she called me up on my lie. “Chace told me what happened.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay. Carter made sure I was safe. And he laid out a new plan this morning. So, everything is fine.” I was aware I was babbling.

“I know you’re strong, babe. Proved it time and again. But it’s okay to fall apart. Especially when things get scary as they did.”