Page 85 of Lift Me Up

"I don't know…" The words of honesty ring out into the mostly silent waiting room. Noah says nothing, but he doesn't recoil, either. He waits for me to continue, or not continue. He leaves that up to me.

A sense of unsureness washes over me, trying to figure out how to explain what I am feeling without making him feel completely blindsided by my admission. In the past, I would have pulled away from him, I would have deflected, and told him what he wanted to hear. But I can't do that now. I love him, I want things with him that I never thought about before, and I am just terrified of everything now because I have that opportunity to have those things, if I am willing to take that chance. But how do I tell him the fears? How do I explain to a perfectly healthy human that I am afraid of passing down a disease to my possible future children, for them to possibly have to suffer?

Sure, I know what to look for. I know what the signs are of HS. I would be able to get them the medical interventions they would need to keep them at an early stage for as long as we can. I know all this and then some, but it doesn't make the 50/50 odds look any better. As I look around the waiting room, I see there are a few families who, like us, are waiting to hear if the latest member of their family has arrived. It dawns on me then, that this is my family. Sienna's parents are sitting just a few chairs over from us, chittering to themselves and to Ricardo's parents, who sit across from them. They don't look like they ever had an issue with each other, despite knowing otherwise. They look like two hopeful sets of grandparents, preparing to become the backbones for their children who are welcoming their own child into this world. Near them, Noah and I sit, but off in our own little bubble. I realize the meaning behind Noah's words. One day, Ricardo and Sienna will be the ones in our shoes, and his parents will be over there chatting with my mom and Franny. I can see it like a page ripped from the book that tells our story. I want it all to be true.

"I want children. Yes. But I am terrified that they will inherit this disease from me, and I could never begin to forgive myself if I let a child come into this world and they end up suffering the way I have. But I want that. For us. I want that future; I see it. Even if it’s not cookie-cutter perfect. I hope that can be enough for you."

"Georgie, a future with you is more than enough. A child would be a blessing. But I understand the cause for concern and hesitancy. We're far from that happening anyway, but I agree on considering all the options too. You know, technology has really advanced, I'm sure there's genetic testing we could try so we know⁠—"

"You would do that?" I give his hand a squeeze, like the feeling in my chest from hearing him say all these wonderful things.

Noah laughs to himself, bringing our entwined hands up to his lips so he can kiss the back of my hand, pulling away with a smile, "I don't think you realize I'd do anything for you, Georgie."

"I'm beginning to⁠—"

"It's a girl!" Ricardo shouts into the waiting room, arms above his head and a slightly crazed 'I'm a dad' look on his face. He flinches when he's shushed, but we all jump up in excitement as he comes over to us to tell us the news.

"It's a girl," he says again incredulously, "Ten fingers, ten toes, button nose, beautiful eyes. Sienna is a fucking superwoman, she's beautiful and healthy and nursing right now and…I'm a papa."

There is a string of hugs, a chorus of laughter, and Noah never lets go of my hand.

"Wait!" I say, and everyone turns to look at me. I smile, "What's her name?"

"Oh." Ricardo grins, rubbing the back of his neck, "Her name is Aelia Rose Garcia."

Aelia. Ay-lee-uh. It's beautiful, especially the way Ricardo says it with his accent. It rolls off his tongue effortlessly, like they've known all along who this little one was going to be.

"What does it mean?" Susan, Noah and Sienna's mother, is the one to ask this.

"We had two names picked. The moment they handed her to Sienna, she looked up at me like she just knew, and she said, 'she's a little ray of sunshine, Ricardo.' So Aelia, for the sun, Rose for Sienna's grandmother."

"Can we meet her?" This comes from Carla, Ricardo's mother.

"Of course."

I look at Noah as he watches his parents follow Ricardo down the hall to the room, and he doesn't move. I give him a nudge.

"You ready to meet her, Uncle?"

"What if she doesn't like me?"

I giggle. "She's a baby, Noah. How could she possibly not like you?"

"I don't know. What if I give off a bad vibe or…" He shuts up, and sighs into my kiss. I pull back with a smile. He takes a deep breath, nodding to himself in understanding.

"I think you're great. She'll love you like we all do. But especially me."

He looks toward the door again, then sets his face, determined. "I'm ready."

We enter Sienna's room to see her holding the baby against her skin, grinning up at us all in pure bliss. Aelia is precious, so tiny and almost too cute to be real. But she makes small noises and blinks up at the lights and the sounds of the world around her, and she really does look like a little ray of sunlight in the room. We're all drawn to her warmth and the love we all share for her, and the moment she's passed from person to person, the more we love her.

She reaches Noah, who sits beside his sister, holding her hand until the baby is offered by his father to him. He takes her so gently, cradling her neck and he stares at her in wonder. There's a silent conversation between the two of them, and I lock eyes with Sienna. She holds out a hand for me to take, and I do. My heart hammers hard at the picture of Noah holding a baby like that, and it makes me want so many things I need to remind myself it is too soon to want... right?

"Not to say I told you so... But I totally told you so." She laughs, and I echo that laugh.

"You did."

"I'm glad you got your head out of your ass," she says quietly, watching Noah hold her daughter. "You're good for each other."