Page 109 of Offside

“Ryan,” she said.

“Yeah.”

“Stop thinking so loud.”

I exhaled through my nose. “I’m not⁠—”

“You go quiet but it’s not quiet.” She pressed her palm flat against my chest. “I can feel you thinking.”

In the low lamplight she was settled. That’s the word I kept landing on for this version of her, the one she showed when she’d stopped being careful about how she felt. I’d been watching her manage and measure and protect herself since September. I knew how rare this version of her was, and how much she was choosing to let it show, and that I was the only person she showed it to. It was a gift, and I was not going to be careless with it.

“After the holidays,” I said. “First week of January. I’ll talk to Griffin. It’s time.”

“Thank you.” She turned her face briefly into my shoulder. “You don’t have to rush. I just thought it was time I told you how it felt. How I felt.”

“I know how it felt,” I said. “I share the ice with Griffin. And the plane. And everything…except this.”

She made a small sound of agreement.

I pressed my lips to her hair, a pit forming in my stomach that I’d done something to make her feel bad. I’d rather die than hurt her.

“I’d never do anything to make you feel less than, Maren. You know that, right?”

She pressed up onto her elbow again, meeting my concerned stare, searching my eyes.

“I know you wouldn’t.” She ran her hand down the side of my cheek, her thumb caressing my jaw. Her touch gave me the chills, and I was certain I’d never tire of being with her. It was impossible. I loved her.

I sat up and kissed her, slowly, trying to show her how I felt. But it was going to take more than a post coital kiss in the early morning hours to prove we were end game, and I’d do anything to show her.

After the kiss broke, she resettled, her hand finding my ribs. I lay in the dark and thought about Griffin, and about the conversation coming, and how I had something I needed to tell Maren too.

CHAPTER 20

MAREN

I’d been awake since six.

Not because I had anywhere to be. The facility was closed, the team had a four-day break, and my first appointment wasn’t until the twenty-seventh. But it was Christmas morning and my body had never learned to sleep past sunrise on Christmas morning, which was an inconvenient habit I’d carried since I was seven years old and had long ago accepted as permanent.

I was on my second cup of coffee, my feet tucked under me on the living room couch, when Griffin texted at nine-fifteen.

Griffin: Merry Christmas

Griffin: Also heads up Ryan’s parents are in Sweden so I invited him to mom and dad’s

Griffin: Hope that’s cool

Griffin: Actually I already told him yes so

I read it three times. Set the phone face-down on the cushion beside me. Picked it up again. Ryan hadn’t told me, and somehow we’d avoided talking about the holidays other than using it as a timeline for when to come out in the open with at least Griffin that we were seeing each other.

Maren: Of course it’s cool

Griffin: I knew you’d be fine with it

Griffin: He doesn’t have anyone here

Maren: What time