Page 6 of Everything But Mine

The we’ve-never-even-kissed Cassandra.

The maybe-you’re-just-projecting-your-own-shit-onto-my-friend Cassandra.

Well, isn’t this a lesson in trusting my gut if I ever saw one? Her lips mouth “Hi,” while she stares down at her flats. At least she has the decency to avoid my gaze.

He reaches out to her, pulling her to his side, whispering softly into her ear as he escorts her to the door. I want to know what he says, but I’m taken aback by the softness in his gaze. The protectiveness in his arm around her waist. The way he positions himself between her and me, as if to shield her. As if I’m some horrible, out-of-control person who could tear her away from him at any moment. As if she’s something precious, something to treasure. No as if about it, there’s a gentle, promising kiss on her lips before he closes the door behind her. He assures her he’ll call, that he’ll meet her, that everything will be okay. That he fucking loves her.

Pain blooms in my chest, threatening to spill and overpower this anger I’m using as fuel. But I can’t let it go now. Because I should be used to it, this hopelessness of never being chosen, loved.

He turns back to face me, not attempting to get any closer. His back is against the main door.

“Please don’t block my exit.”

He winces but nods, then moves toward the open-concept kitchen, stepping behind the island—almost as far away from me as he can get. Coward.

“I didn’t want you finding out this way, you know.”

I do. I didn’t overshare about myself, but I know him. Mostly, I guess.

“It’s just—” He exhales, running a hand through his hair. “It’s complicated, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Funny way of showing it.” I shrug. “We’re going to do this either way. You’re going to tell me in detail, or you’re going to answer my questions. Maybe both.”

He laughs, self-deprecating.

“Don’t you see it, Mandy?” He lifts his arm and swings it in my direction, as if unveiling something obvious and glaring. “I’m not for you. You’re not for me. You get your shit done, all resolve and pragmatics. You don’t need anyone.” He presses a hand to his chest. “I’m not built like that. It makes me panic.”

That’s funny to me, because only my advisor and mentees would describe me that way. No friend or lover ever has.

“You couldn’t have had this realization before I gave up my apartment and moved in?” His mouth turns down into a sour, hurt expression. It pains him to explain; I’m hurting him, but not figuring out the answer on my own. It’s fucking hilarious. Not needing him makes me unlovable, but needing him to explain is just too much.

“See? Even now, our relationship’s falling apart, and you’re worried about rent.”

It bothers him that I won’t crumble and cry.

“It’s all budgets and bills with you.” He’s shouting now. “What do I bring to you? I’m this useless doll to you. I am not needed at all. And it hurts. I want to matter.”

How cliché. He is punishing me because I don’t need rescuing. Because I can solve problems. Be my own person. “And you just had this epiphany about yourself?”

“Not all of us are as well-adjusted as you!” he yells.

“I haven’t changed, Daray. This whole year together, I haven’t needed you any more or any less.”

“That’s part of it. I’ve tried, Mandy. I bought expensive meat to grill for you, and you’d still go on about money.” He shakes his head. “Still, it didn’t matter. You can’t rush how you feel.” He softens, touches his heart, and adds a noble tone to his voice. “For what it’s worth, I did love you.”

Well, that past tense is not nearly as painful as it should be.

“How long?”

“The sex? Not long after you moved in.” He draws a breath like it’s part of some confessional rite, and absolving him is a given. “Our love—” He signals between us. “That had been fading for a while.” Then the words hit, that’s months, that’s almost half a year. “Cassie and I… That’s been building for even longer.”

Do I remind him of all the things he told me Cassie wasn’t? Should I become this hysterical woman he craves, even if just for once? Do I tell him that this epic love they have should make room for her to raise someone else’s child?

I don’t want to. Not tonight. Today, he needs his win. The validation that he’s made the right choice. And I need answers and survival. Perhaps, not in that order, but that’s what I’m going for.

“I see.”

“I didn’t want this. The closer it got to your move-in date, the worse I felt. Anxiety attacks, chest pain. Cassie had to take me to the ER. You know how I get.”