Page 102 of Everything But Mine

Her green eyes widen, bright and pleading, asking me to trust her with it. And standing here in front of her with a swollen lip, blood coating the inside of my mouth, sweat dried cold against my skin, I feel held by her. My whole body trembles from exhaustion, adrenaline, and shame as the reality of how I scared her and Diego settles heavily inside me.

I don’t want to hide from this anymore.

“There’s something really wrong with me,” I admit quietly. “My body doesn’t work right anymore.”

She’s hoping for a breakthrough here, but I can’t form the words. I sit on my bed and pull at my hair. She kneels between my legs, her palms running up and down my thighs. I look up and lose myself in her shining eyes, and take a deep breath.

“Since that night…” I swallow. “I haven’t been able to—” I drag my eyes away from her and rub the back of my neck. “I⁠—”

“Babe.” She cups my face with both her hands and shifts me so I meet her gaze. She gives me a tight-lipped, encouraging smile.

“I can’t… My body doesn’t… I can’t ejaculate.”

She holds my face so I can’t look away, but her brows furrow. “I don’t understand. I’ve seen you⁠—”

“Not since that night.” I lick my lips. “I can—” I clear my throat. “I get hard and can go at it for a while. I get close and then I…” I lift my hands and then let them fall. Her eyes drop to my crotch. “Yeah. Exactly.”

“But you’ve been with people.”

I nod. “I shouldn’t have.” Her touch is too soothing, and I try to pull away. She doesn’t let me. “I—for a while I thought if I didn’t touch anyone else, you’d come back.” I clench my jaw at how naïve it sounds. “When you didn’t, I told myself I needed to get over it, and, well… I went off the deep end for a while.” I hide my eyes from her.

“You’ve been using sex to punish yourself.”

I shrug. “Longer than all of this, if I’m truly honest.”

She doesn’t prod, just brushes her thumb against my jaw in silent invitation.

“Sometime in college… Sex stopped being about curiosity and became a reminder of how I wasn’t good enough for you.”

Amanda’s brows pull together as if she doesn’t want to tell me that she doesn’t believe me.

My heart hammers in my chest. Shame spreads in my gut as I lay it all out. “If I can’t keep it in my pants, I don’t deserve to be with you. Fact.”

“You wanted it confirmed. Like that night.”

“Yeah.” I let a long breath out through my mouth, the air scraping my throat. “By the time you moved back, after falling in the river… I’d already not been with anyone for almost a year. I wanted to be better in case that we…” I signal between the two of us. “So I didn’t. At all.” Then I add, “You know I lost it when you told me you were pregnant.”

“I thought you didn’t care for me like that,” she murmurs. “That there was no way you wanted me if…” Her eyes widen like she’s reevaluating our entire history.

“I cared.” My fingers twitch on her skin. “I can’t stand seeing you with other men. Never. Still…” I shake my head. “I’d give you up if I thought Daray would make a good father.”

“Daray is not going to make a good father.” Amanda exhales sharply through her nose, irritation tightening around her mouth. She races her thumb once beneath my swollen lip before it returns to my jaw. “But he knows this about you.”

I nod. “That’s what set me off when you saw him earlier.”

“How does Daray know?”

“Max’s new girlfriend.”

“The girl with the tattoo.”

“She kisses and tells.” I frown when she tenses. “I’m sorry.”

“Can you on your own?”

I shake my head. “Not with anyone. Not alone. Not at all.”

“Eric.” Her whisper is loaded with aching tenderness. “Has anybody ever stayed with you after? Showed you that sex isn’t just about the orgasm or, as you say, the punishment?”