Page 124 of The Substitute Fiancée

Standing in front of the floor-to-ceiling window in my office, I face my reflection. Not the one others see. Not the confident, high-performing, controlled man. But the one who failed. The one who hurt the woman he loves.

When did I stop being enough?

I think about all the actions that shame me now: my misplaced priorities, my snap judgments, my unfair accusations.

Is this really who I am, or just a lapse I could bury and forget?

No.

This part of me didn’t appear by accident. It had been there for a long time, hidden beneath the surface, waiting for the right combination of exhaustion, stress, fear, and insecurity to emerge.

A primitive response.

Defensive.

Brutal.

*

The next day, during my lunch break, I lock myself in my office with a blank sheet of paper and a pen.

I decide to run a SWOT analysis on myself.

It’s a strategic tool, designed to analyze a company. I’ve never seen it applied to a person.

But I don’t see why it wouldn’t work.

STRENGTHS

Loyal to my friends and family.

Attentive, as long as I remain in control.

Kind, as long as the pressure stays manageable.

Present, as long as it doesn’t conflict with my schedule.

WEAKNESSES

A workaholic, to the point of losing sight of what matters.

I measure my worth by my professional performance: when MatchMapping thrives, I feel invincible. When work falters, I feel diminished.

I never processed Kristel’s betrayal. I view my relationship with Sam through the lens of that infidelity. I punish Sam for Kristel’s mistakes.

The jealousy and anger simmering inside me make me cruel.

I’m incapable of healthy communication: instead of saying “I need you,” I decide she’s pulling away, and I attack. Rather than showing vulnerability, I turn it into reproach.

And then there’s the rest: my need for control, my inability to let go, this obsession with mastering everything, including other people’s emotions.

OPPORTUNITIES

Learn to communicate instead of assuming.

Be vulnerable without feeling weak.

Trust until proven otherwise.