Page 58 of Hidden

My jaw tightens. "How rough?" I try to keep my voice low, but if it’s bad, then I’m going to be pissed off.

"I'm back to the beginning, Sadie."

The words land flat. Back to the beginning. Six months of work, of phone calls where he sounded better, of me telling myself this time was different. I look up at the sky and take a deep breath.

"Define the beginning," I say, and my voice comes out steady, which is the only thing I have control over right now, not sure for how long though.

"The program restarted my timeline. I have to go through the full sequence again." He stops. "I'm sorry… I really am."

Something hot moves through my chest. Not tears, but anger, the kind that sits right behind the eyes and makes everything sharp.

"Dan." I stop, breathe and then start again. "Do you know how long I saved for college?"

"Sadie…"

"Three years. Three years of working doubles on weekends and not spending anything and telling myself it was going to be enough." My voice stays level, but only just. The words coming out are clipped and precise because if I lose the precision, I lose everything. "And then it wasn't enough because I needed to help you, so I used it. I used all of it on you. And then I had to start again from nothing and work twice as hard to get a full scholarship because it was that or not go to college at all, because my college money I spent on you!" Now my words come out a little louder.

"I know…"

"I did all of that." The back of my throat aches. "And you're telling me you're back to the fucking beginning."

Silence.

"I'm sorry," he says, his voice is quiet, and genuine, which almost makes it worse.

"I can't talk right now." My voice cracks slightly on the last word, and I pull it back before it goes further. "I'll call you later."

"Sadie…"

I end the call before I say something I know I’ll regret.

I’m stand there with the phone in my hand and the cold air on my face, hoping it will cool me down. It doesn't.

This is what it feels like to be alone, fighting everything and everyone alone. Trying to help my brother alone. I’m tired and I have no one to hold me when I just need someone, someone to tell me everything will be okay.

I look at my phone and open the messages because I have no idea who else to talk to. I can talk to the girls, but I don’t want them to know how bad my upbringing was, or about Dan. I don’t want anyone to know because I’m scared of what people will think about me.

Sadie.

Why do people always let you down?

I stare at what I've typed. Change it.

Why do people always let me down?

I send it before I change my mind, because I might do. I’m turning to my stalker when I need someone to talk to.

Ghost.

Who let you down today?

Sadie

Does it matter.

Ghost.

To me it does.