Page 76 of It Was Always You

She began to laugh hysterically. ‘Brilliant comeback, Adders, as always so very quick witted.’ She guffawed, slapping her leg dramatically.

He folded his arms and sulked as she wiped at her eyes. It was actually good to see her laugh, even if it was at his expense. Again.

He rubbed his chin. ‘Yeah, I can just see it now… Kids running past my house not daring to slow down in case weirdo-puffy-eyed-wheezy-stinky-cat-man comes out and chases them. Great idea, Lil. Great.’ He couldn’t help but laugh at the image.

‘I can just imagine you in your dirty string vest surrounded by cats and smelling of wee.’ She threw her head back and howled again.

He held up his hands. ‘Right… right… I think we’ve established that me getting a cat is a bad idea, Lil.’

She calmed herself down and dabbed at her eyes with a paper napkin. ‘Okay, so not a cat then. What about a dog?’

He thought for a few moments and raised his eyebrows. ‘Dogs are really good company.’ He spoke his thoughts aloud.

‘They are. They love unconditionally. So even though I know your jokes are shit, it wouldn’t matter to Rover. He would love you in spite of that fact.’

‘Again, Lil, sod off… and who calls their dog Rover?’

She continued, ignoring his question. ‘I could imagine you with a dog, Adders. Let’s face it. You’re a teacher so you only work part time. It’d be perfect.’

His mouth dropped wide open. ‘Part time? You are having a giraffe! Have you seen how many hours I put into marking… and planning… and… and… marking?’

‘You already said marking.’

He folded his arms across his chest. ‘Yeah, well, I put a hell of a lot of hours in, thank you very much.’ His tone was indignant even though he knew Lily was winding him up.

She laughed some more. ‘You’re sooo easy to wind up. It’s just like shooting fish in a barrel.’

‘A fish! Now there’s a good pet,’ he said matter-of-factly.

‘A fish? Now who’s having a momentary lapse in sanity?’

‘Yes, but a fish doesn’t need walking or feeding expensive food or⁠—’

‘Or loving or cuddling. Fish are shit pets and you know it. A fish is a lazy man’s pet. Fish have no feelings.’

‘I beg to differ. My gran had a goldfish that used to know its name, and it used to come to the surface when it was feeding time.’

Lily shook her head and crossed her arms. ‘Adam, the fish was called Bob. Every fish thinks its name is Bob, you idiot. And you can’t train a fish.’

‘But a dog is so tying. I mean, okay, so my mum would love to come around and look after a dog and walk it while I’m at work, seeing as Dad won’t have one at home, but… they’re tying.’

‘And, pray tell, what would a dog be keeping you from exactly?’

He looked to the ceiling in the hope of finding the answers scrawled up there. Clearly he was losing this argument. In fact, he was actually considering this ridiculous idea.

‘Stuff that I have to do. I have loads going on… you know… in my life and shit.’

‘Ahem, Adders, when you’re not… how did you put it? Oh yes, marking and planning and erm, marking a bit more and shit,’ she mocked him in a fake deep voice, ‘you sit at home watching Monty Python, eating crisps, and annoying the hell out of me. You could do all of that with a dog. And more. You could go for nice long walks in the Cheviots. You could snuggle up on the sofa and cry into its fur when you watch Love Actually⁠—’

‘Hey, that film is sad! It’s got unrequited love and, and a guy who’s a widower like me… and… and that little kid who loves that little girl singer… it’s really sad, Lil.’

She reached across and patted his arm condescendingly. ‘Of course it is, Adders. Well, maybe the first three times you watch it. Then even you should know what to expect after that.’

He sat in quiet contemplation for a few minutes. ‘So, I should get a dog then?’

‘I think so. We could go and look at the weekend! They have to come and check your house over to make sure it’s big enough, and you have to show that you’re a responsible adult…’ She pursed her lips. ‘Maybe I should be there when they come around… you know, so that there’s an actual responsible adult there.’

‘Ha ha, very droll.’