Page 55 of Xavier

He frowned. “That’s what I said.”

She brushed her thumb over his lips. “But you didn’t go into that building. Have you moved on with your life, or have you been running from it ever since?”

He stared into her eyes, his frown deepening. “I lived.”

“Have you really?” she asked. “You said it yourself, that you keep moving. This place doesn’t feel like home. Have you let yourself set down roots? Have you found someone to love or started a family like Berrelli had?”

“No.” He stared into her eyes. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Bullshit,” she said and pressed her lips to his. “You didn’t set off those explosives. You didn’t kill them. They would’ve gone on with their lives if you’d died. They would’ve wanted you to do the same.”

Xavier gathered her into his arms and pulled her close, her softness and warmth thawing the chill he’d harbored for so long in his heart. For a long time, he stood there just holding her, never wanting to let go.

When her stomach rumbled loudly, he lifted his head and brushed his hand across her cheek. “Why is it you could put into words what five years of therapy never did? Thank you.”

Her lips twisted. “Don’t look at me like I’m some sort of angel. I’m not. You’re a military hero. I’m an ex-con. I tried to kill someone—your boss’s wife.” Her gaze dropped to where her hands rested on his chest. “And I wanted her dead,” she said, barely above a whisper. “She was everything I wasn’t. We were in school together when I came to live with my grandmother. Shelby was always the smartest, nicest and most loved person in our school.” She snorted. “I figured that my mother didn’t love me enough to raise me. Why should anyone else?”

“Every child deserves to be loved,” Xavier said.

“Not me.” Lissette’s fingers dug into his shirt, curling around the fabric. “I was angry, acting out, always being taken to task for a piss-poor attitude. I didn’t fit in with my peers even after I graduated. Everyone expected me to get into trouble, because that’s what I did. I lived up to their expectations, while always looking for a place to fit in.”

“And you found it.” Xavier cupped her cheek.

She nodded and turned into his palm. “I found acceptance, money and standing, and took it all the way to prison.”

“And now?” he asked.

“Things weren’t all knitting parties and sharing bonbons in Louisiana’s finest correctional facility.”

“I can imagine it was rough.” Xavier smoothed a strand of her hair back behind her ear. This woman hadn’t had the best start in childhood. He also understood not fitting in. He hadn’t felt like he’d fit in anywhere since that last mission. Not even with his team of Brotherhood Protectors.

Xavier had never considered himself a military hero, unlike the others he’d worked with. They were the real deal. He was the one who’d failed. He hadn’t measured up, the same way Lissette had felt about growing up in Bayou Mambaloa and never measuring up.

She looked up into his eyes. “I learned a lot in prison. Mostly, I learned that it wasn’t all about me.” She snorted. “I’d spent my young life feeling sorry for myself, blaming others for the way I acted, not seeing that it wasn’t everyone else making me do the things I did. It was all on me. I was responsible for my actions.”

“Was there one thing, one event that brought it home to you?” Xavier asked.

“Not one, but a dozen.” She looked back at her hands on his chest. “There was a hierarchy inside the facility. A group of bullies ruled. If you stood up to them, they took you down. It took several beatings before I learned that lesson, but it wasn’t until they went after a woman named Marta that I finally figured out it wasn’t about me.”

She sighed and continued. “Marta was a young mother who was serving time for forging checks. She’d needed the money to help pay for groceries and rent to keep her children fed and a roof over their heads after their father skipped out on them. She kept her head down, determined to do all the right things and get out early on good behavior so she could go back to her kids. She tried to steer clear of the bullies. However, they didn’t let her get away from them. They cornered her in the yard and beat the shit out of her. When I tried to stop them, they knocked me out. I came to in the infirmary next to Marta.”

Xavier frowned. “Did you let the guards know what happened?”

Lissette’s eyes narrowed. “They knew what happened. They were taking bets on who would get knocked out first. They were pissed when I went down before Marta.”

“Someone needs to know what’s happening in there,” Xavier said, frowning fiercely.

“Everyone is afraid to say anything and risk sabotaging their parole hearing. I wanted out, so I kept my mouth shut. Marta and I looked out for each other to get through the rest of our sentences. The point is, Marta made me see it wasn’t all about me. I was like those bullies. No one made them beat up other inmates, just like no one made me join the mafia. No one made me try to kill Shelby I did it for the money. She never did anything to deserve what I tried to do to her. I’ve never been sorrier for my actions that night.”

“Have you told Shelby you’re sorry?” Xavier asked.

Lissette shook her head. “Remy doesn’t want me anywhere near her. Even if I told her I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean she’ll forgive me. I wouldn’t forgive me if she’d tried to kill me. I don’t blame the entire town for hating me. I wasn’t a good person. I’m not sure I can be. But I don’t want to be like the bullies in the correctional facility. I don’t want to hurt anyone, except maybe the guys who’ve been trying to snatch me, and the woman who held a gun to your head. I don’t want to kill Shelby anymore, but I could kill that woman—out of self-defense, of course.”

Xavier’s eyes narrowed. “How did you manage to get free of those two guys?”

Lissette lifted her chin. “Marta and I worked with one of the inmates who used to teach self-defense. She taught us a few moves that helped us survive when the bullies came calling.”

Xavier pulled her close and rested his cheek against her damp hair. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”