Page 70 of The Snowflake Effect

The stuff you can’t measure. Can’t name.

“Because,” I say, “you’re the one I can’t forget. The one who drives me nuts.” But that clamminess suddenly returns, and my heart races uncomfortably.

“You drive me nuts, too,” she teases. “In the best way. I was also wondering if we could drive each other nuts a bit more tonight.” She waggles her eyebrows.

“You read my mind,” I say, trying to slow my breaths. I push up onto my elbows, too, put all my focus on Shay. On us and right now and seal the kiss we couldn’t finish before.

CHAPTER 30

KOLTON

Shay leaves before the sun rises, giving me time to explain to Jackson and Stella that she’s moving in. Jackson, of course, is thrilled. To him, it’s just more time with his new friend, but Stella pulls me aside in the kitchen.

“You sure this is a good idea? I like Shay, but isn’t moving in soon?”

There isn’t much I can say to that. “It is, but she was in a bind, and we’re only here a short while. I want this time with her. I know it’s sudden, but aren’t you and Sawyer always telling me to live a little? To quit being so uptight and thinking a million steps ahead?”

“True and valid,” she says, crossing her arms. “I’m all for you having fun with Shay—date her for a bit, enjoy your summer. I hoped spending time with her would change your attitude toward dating in general. You know, push you to start dating more seriously when we’re back in Vancouver, but living together implies serious. How does a serious relationship work when you live on opposite sides of this very wide, very large country? You’re the one who said you’re tired of casual flings.”

“Yeah, but…” No explanation comes to mind, and my heart beats faster like it did last night, skipping so quickly I press my hand to my chest.

For Shay and me to work long term, one of us would have to compromise. Move. Create distance from the people closest to us. If I moved, I’d have to alter how Sawyer and I work together. If Shay moved, it would be a complete job change for her—a regret she has from her ex. All daunting possibilities, but, for some reason, I haven’t backed down from pursuing her.

“There are always options,” I tell Stella as I slow my breathing, regulate my erratic pulse.

She narrows her eyes at me, then taps her fingers on her elbows, then she says, “Interesting.”

I match her pointed gaze. “Interesting, what?”

“Nothing I want to share at this time. For now, I’ll get behind the living arrangements. You know, to support you getting laid and all.” She wiggles her fingers at me with a saucy, “Later, boss.”

I don’t bother trying to understand Stella’s meddling ways.

Needing air, I head out on a walk. Count my breaths until my chest doesn’t feel so tight. My boots pound a steady drone, but I barely notice the spectacular homes lining the street. I pick up the pace, hands stuffed in my front pockets, my head down. My mind is in a mad sprint now, trying to figure out the future I didn’t want to think about yet. It’s like I’m incapable of existing in the moment anymore. Except in Aspen, that is.

By the time I’ve walked around the block twice, I’m still addled. When I reach the driveway, I grab my phone from my pocket and dial Sawyer.

“Miss me?” he says in greeting.

I settle my hip onto my new rental SUV—that emasculating van finally exchanged—and kick some loose stones. “I’m fucked up.”

“And?”

A woman with a pound of makeup on her face speed-walks by as her tiny dog scampers to keep up. I hunch forward and rake my hand through my hair, sweat gathering under my shirt on this warm July day. “Do you think Marina and I were the real deal?”

He pauses. Gives me a fucking eternity of silence. Then finally says, “Where the hell’s this coming from?”

“Answer the question.”

“Give me a sec.” A muffled voice—a female muffled voice—carries through the line then, “Seriously, dude, what’s going on?”

“Is someone with you?”

“No. It’s just Lily. We were Facetiming. I got off.”

“Her boyfriend know you got off while Facetiming her?”

A distant I swear to God rumbles through the phone before he comes back on full volume. “Fuck you. Now back to this ridiculous question of yours. I don’t know what kind of messed-up shit is going on in your head, but you and Marina were epic. The best together. Why the hell are you questioning that? What happened with Shay?”