Page 88 of Strictly Against Policy

“Mom? There’s something you need to tell me, right?” I repeated.

“Did Julie tell you?” she whispered.

“No. I saw you on what appeared to be a date with a man I’d never seen nor met before,” I said slowly. “Like you, I had my suspicions. You weren’t home as often. You go out more now. And you’re different these days, Mom. I was shocked when I saw you with that man. It was jarring, even if I did wonder if you were dating.”

I waited for my mom to say something, but she stayed quiet. I continued after a few beats of the steadily growing tension-filled silence.

“I knew you’d say something to Julie, at least. Even if you couldn’t break the news to me . . . I confronted her about what I saw. And she confessed everything she knew.” My previously strong and firm voice faded into this weak, crackling mumble the more I spoke and revealed. It was barely a murmur when I finally rasped, “Why didn’t you tell me, too, Mom?”

She turned to me with eyes misted in a sheen of tears. “I’m sorry, Jonathan,” she said, her voice as hoarse as mine. “I was trying to find the right time to tell you.”

“But you told Julie first. What difference would it be if you told me now instead of then?”

My mom let out a soft cry as she wiped the tears falling down her cheeks. “Because I wanted to see how Julie reacted first. That’s why I hadn’t told you yet. If you two had been hurt and upset at the same time, I knew I wouldn’t know what to do with myself,” she murmured, choking through her tears. “I love you two. More than anything or anyone else in the world, just like your dad.”

My lips pulled into a thin line at the mention of him. Various emotions pumped through me, ranging from frustration to disappointment to hurt.

“Jonathan.” Her voice became soft as she placed a gentle hand on my forearm.

Before she could speak again, I spoke up. “Mom, I know why you’re dating again. It’s been over twenty years since Dad’s been gone. But it’s the way you’re going about it,” I said, heaving. “You’re treating us like we’re children. You’re treating me as if I’m suddenly too young to understand why you’re with another man who isn’t my father. I’m an adult. I know why.”

My chest constricted as I took in deep gulps of breath. Her grip on my arm tightened as her breath shook.

“Sweetie, you and your sister will always be children in my eyes.”

“But you know we’re not kids anymore. Julie’s married and is about to have a baby of her own in a few months.” I shook my head, trying to swallow the thick lump forming in my throat. “I may get married myself and have kids of my own one day, too.”

I never thought I would ever mention anything about marriage to my mom. But, with Lina, I knew I wanted it. With her, I wanted it all. A life together with a warm and loving home—the same way my dad once had with my mom.

Huge tears hung at the corners of her eyes as she said, “I know.”

Silence dawned on us as I finally came to a realization. My mother is this strong, beautiful woman with a few strands of gray now sprinkled in her silky black hair, soft skin with wrinkles crinkling at the corners of her eyes, and raw loneliness written into the edges of her expression. Has she always worn that?

“I’ve known for a long time that you and Julie are grown up, with lives of your own. That’s why I’d grown accustomed to eating meals alone, because you’re always running out the door,” she said. “Although you try to make it up to me by having dinner with me, you have a life of your own. You should have a life of your own. I know you haven’t moved away from home despite the money you make because you’re worried about me, about my safety, and about whether or not I’ll wake up tomorrow morning. But I don’t want you to give up your life for me, Jonathan.”

My vision of her blurred while I tried to steady the sob ready to tear through my chest.

“I’m sorry, Jonathan. I was selfish, I know. To be honest, I was the most worried about your reaction because you were the youngest when Dad passed away . . . I was your only parent for a majority of your life, and I didn’t want you to feel like this change affects how much I love you, your sister, and especially Dad. I will always love the three of you,” she said firmly. “Even two years ago, when Julie asked me why I never remarried, I told her I could never see myself with anyone else then. But now that she’s married with a baby on the way, and you’ll be married with your own babies one day as well, I realized I’m lonely.”

Silence hung over us again. I contemplated what to say to her.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” I apologized in a low rasp. “I haven’t been a good son.”

She cried, wiping her tears. “No, no. It’s neither your fault nor Julie’s. I want you two to live a life outside of me. It’s just . . . I will always wish Dad was here with us to share this happiness with me,” she whispered gently.

I frowned, tears fighting to break through the dam.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” I repeated. “I was being inconsiderate. I⁠—”

“You need to start living your life, Jonathan.” She nodded at me. “You need to move out and start living your own life.”

She smiled at the raise of my shocked brows. “Are you kicking me out?” I asked with a gaping mouth.

She laughed and reached out to hold my face lovingly, like I was a kid again. “You’re going to be in your 30s, living with your mom. What is your girlfriend going to say about that?”

I shrugged. “She’s Hmong. She understands.”

My mom’s eyes brightened. “Does she live at home too?”