Page 22 of An Espresso Machine’s Guide to Love & Mischief

“Shift into a pony!” Diva cries. “They can’t arrest a pony.”

“They can call animal control on a pony,” Nephrite shouts. “That’s probably worse. I don’t know where they would take a pony. I wouldn’t even get one phone call as a pony.”

I probably won’t get one if I still look dead when security arrives. Maybe I’ll end up in the hospital instead of jail. That won’t be so bad. Now the morgue—I do not want to go through that again.

Nephrite must have taken Diva’s advice, because a Shetland pony dashes past me on her short legs. I see her in my periphery as she circles around me.

“Molly has her phone again. Stop her!” Diva cries.

I have no idea if she’s talking to me or Nephrite the pony.

I strain every muscle, urging my limbs to move so I can help her, but it doesn’t work. I have no control over my possum paralysis—I can’t decide when it happens or when it ends.

Ben is the only one who can talk me out of the paralysis. What does he always tell me? You’re brave and strong and scary, and the threats will run from you.

My legs twitch, but I can’t seem to get any other movement. Fuckkk, come on body, come on!

Nephrite—still in pony form—races straight at the reception desk, which looms over me directly in my line of vision.

She leaps into the air like she’s trying to clear an extra tall hurdle, but her short pony legs can’t quite do it. Her stomach slams onto the desk, and she lets out a pained neigh. Her legs hang over either side, and she kicks her hooves into the air. But she stays firmly stuck on the desk.

Shit. Now none of us are able to move—or do anything to get out of this mess.

“Get away from me!” The receptionist covers her face with her hands. She peeks through her fingers like she’s expecting to see something entirely different and lets out another shriek. “This can’t be happening. Please don’t kill me! I’m just the receptionist.”

“It’s going to be okay, Molly. You’re just on drugs and this is all a bad trip,” Diva tells her calmly. Guess I’m not the only one who’s noticed that the receptionist shares a name with ecstasy.

“We’ve all been there. Once I was at a club that used to be a CVS, and the shelves were all still intact. So I took some Flintstones Chewable Vitamins I found because I hadn’t eaten yet that day, and it turned out they weren’t Flintstones vitamins. I don’t know what they were, but I came to in a rice paddy in Malaysia with a guy who looked like an Asian David Bowie… but like, the young David Bowie, you know? Anyway, he wasn’t even that hot. The point is, you’re having a bad trip, and you just have to stay calm and find your Asian David Bowie and ride it out.”

Molly stares at her with wide eyes. I can’t move my own eyes, but my mind races with a gazillion questions I want to ask Diva, starting with: for real? Followed by: can we hang out more because you sound like fun?

Molly blinks at Talking Espresso Machine Diva, Pony Nephrite who’s stuck on her desk, and Playing-Dead-on-the-Floor me. Then she lets out an ear-shattering scream.

“Get me out of here!” she shouts and runs for the front door.

“Well, that’s one problem taken care of,” Diva says cheerfully. I can almost picture her dusting off her hands.

I’m not sure there’s anything to be happy about, but Diva’s bright tone makes me feel warm and squishy.

“Now, can we go refill my water reservoir and find Milan so I can steam him until he admits that he’s a fraud?”

Nephrite shifts back into her human form and slides off the desk. “Where am I supposed to get water?”

“The bathroom? A water bottle? Anywhere but the toilet!” Diva lists options in quick succession.

“You’re too big to fit in a bathroom sink! And I don’t see a vending ma—”

“What’s going on here?” A deep baritone echoes through the lobby.

Neph lets out a very fake cough that sounds a lot like, “Human.”

“Shit,” Diva mutters, then falls silent so she doesn’t freak out the guards.

Two security guards come into view and loom over my still paralyzed form.

Move, Fletcher, move, I urge my body. Diva needs you! She’s out of water and can’t burn the guards. My arms twitch and I manage to blink for the first time since I started playing dead. Ahhhh, that feels good.

“Umm…” Nephrite clears her throat. “I’m delivering an espresso machine to Mr. Del Ray. The receptionist was about to let us up, but I think she’s having personal issues today. She started crying and ran out.”