Page 14 of An Espresso Machine’s Guide to Love & Mischief

Chapter 7

Diva

I glare at Fletcher and Neph. “I said don’t look at the old lady. That gives us away!”

Fletcher stares at the old woman despite my warning. “Hasn’t anyone heard of the white bear?”

“Hasn’t anyone dealt with being followed before?” I fire back.

Fletcher and Neph don’t answer.

“You’ve never dealt with thieves? Bounty hunters? Kidnappers? Exes? People who think you should be a model and want to take your photo but when you ask what agency they’re with, they run away?”

“Umm…” Neph says.

“No…” Fletcher shakes his head. “That happened to you?”

“I’ll tell you about it some time,” I almost add ‘over coffee,’ until I remember I am coffee. Well, not really… but definitely not someone he can have coffee with. Plus, this is so not the time to ask him out. “That old lady is definitely following us. She looks guilty as hell.”

A teenager with a skateboard rushes past us. His gaze drifts to me, and he mutters, “I’ll come back for you.”

“That was creepy,” I say. “Not as creepy as the guy who tried to sell me giant Q-tips at the corner of Broadway and W 120 St.”

“Ignore him like I hope you ignored Q-tip dude,” Fletcher says. “People are weird in the city, best to let it go.”

I twist my knobs in agreement, realize Fletcher probably doesn’t speak knobs, and say, “I completely agree.”

“But what if the old lady is lost?” Neph pouts. “I’ll go talk to her.”

“No! The first rule of being followed is to pretend you didn’t notice so you keep the element of surprise! That’s how I managed to kick the Maldivan bounty hunter in the dick.”

“Umm…” Fletcher says. “Or you can ignore them. Just don’t make eye contact or talk to them, and you’ll be fine. That’s how we do things here in Toronto. We try to keep dick-kicking to a minimum.”

“Even that nice old lady who might be lost?” Neph says.

“She probably knows where she’s going better than you do,” I tell her.

“Still!”

“We have somewhere to be,” I add, because unlike Neph, I don’t feel the need to make friends with—or take care of—literally everyone I meet. Though I should be grateful. She gave me a place to stay and brought me all the way to Toronto when I asked. Who else would do that?

“Look at her,” Neph pleads.

I do and realize that she does look pretty confused as she frowns and turns her head from left to right as though she’s not sure where she is.

“Okay, let’s talk to her,” Fletcher says. “On three, walk back up the stairs. One… two… three…”

They need to plan ahead just to move me around. How sad is that?

I can’t wait to get my fortune back. I’ll pay someone to design me a jetpack that I can control with steam. Then, I’ll be unstoppable.

We stop next to the old lady, and her eyes widen with panic.

“Ma’am, are you lost?” Fletcher asks gently. He sounds so kind and caring, and it warms my heart.

“I… don’t know how I got here,” the old lady says.

“You see?” Neph says triumphantly. “You have to check on people!”