Page 77 of Lavender and Linebackers

What’s wrong? I’ll tell you. I feel left out and left behind. I feel like this is the life that I always wanted, and here it is, only it’s not mine. I should have been included in these decisions that he’s made, and I wasn’t. I feel irrelevant.

“Nothing. It’s incredible in here. I love it.”

His shoulders drop a little, and he lets out a sigh, clearly not seeing the signs of my anxiety as I’m snapping the friendship bracelet Kelli gave me a few years ago on my wrist.

“Thank you. It’s been a lot of work. Where you’re standing, there used to be a wall,” he says, as he resumes unpacking my cooler and the bag of food that I brought.

I look around me and can’t even see where it would have gone. “Really?”

“Yeah, this house was built in 1980 and was all about the compartmentalized layout. This space was once four rooms: the kitchen, a formal dining room, a formal living room, and a family room. The first thing I did was rip out the carpet and take down the walls.”

“You did all this?”

He looks away from me and rubs the back of his neck. “I did. I like working with my hands. I wanted a house that I could make my own.” He shrugs.

“So this is what you do in your free time?” I walk over to the island and run my hand over the white marble that’s streaked with gray and gold. It accents perfectly with the color of wood he’s chosen for the floor and the blue-gray paint he’s chosen for the cabinets.

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s become a passion project, that’s for sure. It’s got a long way to go, but if I stay healthy and keep proving myself to the Tarpons, I’m hoping I have a long time to complete it. I’ve also gotten pretty good on the grill, at least I think so.” He smiles, and the strange feeling in my stomach dips.

“When did you buy this?” I look over at the large L-shaped couch in the living room. It’s sitting on a thick shag cream-colored area rug and faces a giant television he’s mounted over the fireplace. There’s a glass-and-bronze coffee table, a matching end table, and in the corner of the room is a tall plant.

“I placed an offer the day after my signing bonus hit. So late April.”

I look back at him. He really is proud of this home. “I bet your mom loves it.”

A soft smile appears. “She does, but she’s really come into her own over the past couple of years. She’s got a social life that keeps her busy. She doesn’t drop by very often.”

His mom was always sweet. Her whole world revolved around Ryder, football, camps, and clinics. It’s really great that she’s finding what she likes too.

“I love that for her.”

It’s then that something brushes against my leg, and I look down to find the one and only Felix.

“Oh, hi baby.” I bend down to pet him, and vibrations take over my hand as he purrs and circles. “You’re a big guy, aren’t you?”

Ryder chuckles. “Yeah, it was a surprise to me too when he kept growing. But I guess we fit. I’m not really a small guy either.” He moves out from the kitchen and makes his way back toward the mudroom. “Make yourself at home. Go wherever you want. Nothing is off-limits. But I will warn you that I haven’t started on the upstairs. The paint, carpet, and bathrooms are sorely dated.”

“Who needs to go up there when I can lose myself on that giant couch?”

“I’m going to pop outside and check the generator one more time. Can I get you something to drink?” he asks.

“Water would be great, thanks.”

“Regular or sparkling?”

This is such a weird conversation. “You don’t like sparkling water.”

“Yeah, but you do,” he says earnestly.

He bought me sparkling water. Has he had it for a while, or did he recently get it?

“Okay, sparkling then. Thank you.”

I make my way to the couch, while he heads out into the garage and then, who knows where. Felix follows me and hops up to climb into my lap. As I look around more, my eyes blur with tears.

I hate that being here hurts so much. It’s just a house. It’s not any different from where I live . . . but deep down, I know it is.

It’s then my gaze snags on the framed pictures on the fireplace mantel. There’s one of him and his mom from football senior night in high school. There’s one of him and his mom, probably also from senior night at Clemson. And there’s a picture of him and his mom standing on the field pregame with him in his Tarpons uniform. I don’t know why these affect me, but they do. The tears I can’t stop start to fall, and I feel like I can’t breathe.