Page 72 of Lavender and Linebackers

None.

I have never come close to being this intimate with someone.

This kiss, it’s not like last night. Last night was sweet, romantic, the perfect first kiss.

This one is fueled with years of longing, years of desire, and what feels like a little bit of anger. Ryder is kissing me like he’s trying to rewrite history, and we’re both swept away with an intensity that leaves me breathless. I’ve melted into him, and it isn’t last night’s kiss. It’s this kiss that has ruined me for all other kisses to come. It’s eclipsed even my wildest dreams.

I have no idea how long we make out in his truck. Time is lost, or maybe stopped. Who knows. I also have no idea how long we completely forget ourselves, while in broad daylight, but when his hands travel up my rib cage, and his thumbs brush across the bottom of my breasts, I know it’s time for us to move inside.

Pushing a little on his shoulders, I get his attention as he lifts his head. His hair is all messed up, and his eyes instantly lock with mine. They’re insanely dark and it’s intoxicating to have him look at me this way. To know that I made him this needy, this—for lack of a better term—love drunk.

“Do you want to come inside?” I run my hand over his cheek, my thumb across his lips, and then rest it on his shoulder. I’m overflowing with happiness, with want, with the excitement that there’s going to be more, more, more with him when I catch his expression fall.

He studies me. His eyes track over the features on my face. The color already in his cheeks deepens to a dark red. His hands, which were holding on tight, suddenly loosen.

And then he looks away.

“Alice, I . . . I can’t.”

Chapter 24

Ryder

The joy on her face quickly vanishes, and her expression morphs to blank. I know what she’s doing. She’s always done this when she feels out of place—she’s disconnecting.

“You can’t,” she mutters as she climbs off my lap and moves back to the other side of the truck. She’s still watching me, more like staring at me, and I don’t know what to say.

Shifting in my seat, I adjust myself to attempt to cover up just how turned on I am. Not that I necessarily mind being this way in front of her, but if we’re going to start this conversation, I don’t need it tenting my pants as a distraction. Internally, I shake my head, thinking about how many times over the years I’ve had to do this around her. Alice is gorgeous, and she doesn’t even have to do anything to light up every part of me. Her smile, her smell, her body that makes my mouth go dry. She is the complete package and an instant turn-on for my dick.

“I’m sorry. Did I misunderstand what was happening here?” she asks. Her words are shaky, and the tension in her body is screaming confused.

“No, it’s just . . .” I don’t even know how to explain it to her. I run my hand over my face. It’s one breath where I can hide from her and even from myself.

The thing is, I was all in.

I would have thrown her over my shoulder, carried her inside, and made all our lifelong fantasies come true.

But when she pushed on my shoulders, it was triggering with her in front of me that I instantly was transported to another time when she did the same thing.

Reality crashed into me, effectively smothering the flame that we’d lit.

“Oh my God. I feel so stupid.”

She turns to leave. Her ponytail, which is now loose, whips over her shoulder as she grabs the handle, and my hand darts out to her arm.

“Wait. Please don’t go.”

I do recognize that the reason I’ve been terrible to her all these months is that I’m afraid of what will happen to me if I lose her again. I had years of loving her, and it took me years to stop. At least stop in a way where I didn’t feel emotionally debilitated. But now, we’ve reconnected. This, us being intimate with each other—if there’s no future, then no matter how badly I crave her, I don’t want this. I don’t want to know what it’s like and then lose her all over again.

“Ryder, I don’t know why you want me to stay. Right now, I feel humiliated.” She scrunches up her face and squeezes her eyes shut. “Is that why you did this? Are you trying to humiliate me?”

Of course she would think this. I haven’t been the nicest guy to her, and I’ve made it known that I never would be.

Taking her hand, I place it over my crotch, and she gasps. Her eyes fly open. They’re full and glassy. “Does this feel like something I did to humiliate you?”

She snatches her hand away.

“Why did I ever think this was going to go differently? I should have known,” she chokes over her words. “Over and over you’ve shown me your true colors. The first time shame on you, but this time, definitely shame on me.”