Page 54 of Last Slice of Pie

Out the window, my eyes catch on movement. I have a bird feeder hanging off the front porch, and a beautiful red cardinal has flown in and landed on it.

“Really? That’s crazy. I feel like everything but the walls have recently been replaced. It’s like you have a brand-new home.”

A brand-new home I can’t afford.

“It feels that way to me too.” She made it sound like a good thing, but it’s really not. It’s so hard to save money, takes so long to even accumulate just the smallest amount, and then with just one strike of a match or one drop of water, it’s all gone.

“What did Bryan say?”

“I didn’t tell him.” The cardinal swoops away, circles the feeder, and then lands again. The feeder sways.

“Why not?” she asks, sounding surprised.

“He has enough on his plate to worry about besides me, and he would worry. You should have seen him after the fireplace broke. It was a battle of the wills to not let him pay.”

“You should have let him. If he wants to help his girl out, there’s nothing wrong with that. Besides, he can afford it.”

“I’m not taking his money. He’s been back in my life all of ten seconds, and it doesn’t feel right to me. If he wants to buy me dinner, that’s one thing, but to repair my home—just no. It’s my responsibility.”

“Okay, I see your point, but I still think you should tell him.”

“Maybe.” I don’t agree or disagree with her; there’s no point, and quite frankly I don’t feel like she would understand. No one can understand how I feel right now, not Bryan, not my friends, not even James—not that he and I ever talk. He’s too busy off doing whatever it is he’s doing, and I’m lucky if I get an email from him once a month.

“Lex, are you doing okay?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. Today isn’t the best day, but this too shall pass, right?”

“It will. I’m sorry things are rough for you right now.”

“Yeah, me too.” The cardinal’s wings flap twice, and then he’s gone just as quickly as he came. I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help but draw a parallel between the bird and the things in my life that mean the most.

“On a positive note, part of the reason I’m calling is to place an order.”

Hearing this lifts my mood, just a little.

“That’s great.”

It really is. I’ll take anything I can get right now.

Meg and I wrap up our call, and I push my phone aside as silence envelops me. I take in the full view in front of me, and my heart swells with love for the land, the trees, the fence, the porch, and all the details that have been added over the years. Except for my brief time at culinary school, it’s the only view I’ve ever known, and it’s one I hope to know for the rest of my life.

Never has a day gone by that I haven’t been grateful that GiGi left the house to me. Although, if I’m being completely honest with myself, I am jealous and frustrated that James doesn’t have to worry about these kinds of things, and all these problems I’ve had would be so simple for Bryan. I work hard, and I’m not saying they don’t; it’s just different. What rests on my shoulders is heavy and feels like so much more. Because, unlike them, if I’m not careful, like the water from the tank today, everything can slip away.

Chicken Pot Pie

PULLING MY EYES away from the monitor, I look around my office and notice it’s dark. When I sat down to begin looking at films from today’s game, the sun was still present in the sky, which means hours have passed, but I don’t care. I need to memorize every single error I made not only today but over the last couple of weeks.

With this thought, I shake my head in disgust, and my pointer finger clicks the mouse to drag the play bar back one minute.

I made one of the biggest mistakes a quarterback can make today, and I didn’t even realize it. I stared too long at the receivers on the left side and gave away our plays. Over and over, I did this. So stupid, and the fact that I didn’t even realize it makes it that much worse.

Coach kept yelling at me to get my head in the game, and it was. Well, I thought it was, but now I’m doubting everything, including myself. Seriously, what was I thinking? What was I doing?

I’ve never doubted myself, not ever. Doubt has a way of making itself known. Like an illness, it’s quickly passed on to others, and that’s how teams lose. It’s not for a lack of talent or effort. When it comes to sports, it’s the mental toughness, the mental game that plays a major part in whether teams win or lose.

I know better. I am such a better quarterback than this. I’ve spent years perfecting the ins and outs of my position and how to make things happen the way I want them to. I know how to trick the other team into thinking one thing when I’m actually doing something different, but I didn’t today. In hindsight, today, I have no idea what my end game was.

If you consistently stare toward the same side of the field, the defense is going to assume that’s where the ball is going. Usually, I use this kind of manipulation to create throwing lanes and open up extra space to throw the football to the backside of the play, but not today. Today, I was a bad quarterback who repeatedly made a fundamental error. I’m lucky my offensive line is as good as they are or we would have had more interceptions than we did. As it was, there were three.