Page 89 of The Sweetness of Life

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

I thought I wanted him, but there’s the one thing . . . the one unforgivable thing I’m not sure I’ll ever get past.

He used me.

Spiked Sweet Tea

I FEEL LIKE I’ve changed.

I’m not the same person I was a month ago, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

When I glance in the mirror, I still look the same. When I talk to the staff, I still sound the same. But, when I stare out over the vineyard from the back porch, I don’t feel the same. The colors aren’t as bright, the wine isn’t as delicious, and I feel out of place.

Fuck me, I miss her.

Shelby drove away a little over two weeks ago, and every day still feels like the first. I had been hoping she would be at the manor when Kyle and I returned from the hospital, but she wasn’t. What a debacle that was. Apparently, having one type of reaction doesn’t mean you’ll always have the same type when stung, and now I’m extremely susceptible to anaphylaxis going forward. Thank goodness my mother had the foresight to have a bee kit or that entire situation could have turned out so much worse, and thank goodness Shelby was there.

Shelby.

My heart dips as I think back to the moment of the bee sting. I can see her sad eyes, the slight pout of her bottom lip that had lost its smile for me, and the closure she was giving us as she squared her shoulders and turned away. I’m trying to give her some time, but with each passing day, I doubt a little more that she’s going to come back. I’ve sent her a few texts, but they’ve gone unanswered. I’ve called both her cell phone and the restaurant, but she never responds. It’s as if she’s disappeared.

Swiveling around in my desk chair, I grab a hot boiled peanut and eat it without tasting it. Michelle made them and brought a bowl in. She’s been making my favorite foods and snacks and bringing them to my office. I guess it’s her way of apologizing, but it could also be because I haven’t left my office much, or because she misses Shelby, too.

We all do.

The sky is darkening again. We had near perfect weather the entire time Shelby was here, and ever since she left, it’s been one storm after another. Currently, Kyle and I are tracking a storm cell that’s coming more from the north than the west. It does seem fitting that the day she left, she took the sun with her, but we could do without the rain. Overcast, sure—it matches my mood and I welcome it—but for the sake of this year’s harvest, enough is enough.

The door creaks open, and Kyle walks in. Without saying anything to each other, he sits in his usual spot across from me, grabs a peanut, and we stare at each other.

I don’t think he knows what to do with me, either.

“How are the vines?” I ask him.

He glances toward the white board and looks at the overall rainfall so far this season. We’re almost to the halfway mark of what’s desired, and there are still three months to go.

“They’re fine. Soil is fine, too. At least this is happening now and not six weeks from now.” He leans forward in his chair, tosses the shell, and grabs another peanut.

“Agreed.” It’s all I offer. I know I should care more since this is my livelihood and my reputation, but I can’t find it in me today.

Resting his forearms on my desk, he studies me as he sorts through what he wants to say next.

“After this rain moves through, let’s do a little crop thinning.” His voice is low and calm. “It’ll get you out of here and keep you busy.”

Busy.

My brows drop down, wrinkling my forehead, and irritation leaks into my bloodstream. Does he not think I’ve been busy doing shit this entire time?

“Are you handling me now?” I ask through gritted teeth.

“Do I need to?” he fires back.

“No!”

Frustrated, I get up and start pacing around. I know I’m down. I know I could do more outside of my office, be more sociable toward my employees and our regular patrons, and I will. It’s just . . . I’m disappointed with myself and confused by the loss of her.

How can one person alter me so drastically? I feel as if I’ve lost a part of myself. I ache for her, her laughter, smart wit, gracious heart, and shine. Why did I have to fall for her? Of all the girls who’ve crossed my path, why her?

Before her, my life was simple. It was me and the winery—the way I wanted it. Now . . . now I don’t know.